Thursday, June 28, 2012

Lately life has been hard. Not your typical run of the mill every day "stuff". Situations that I really cannot share and choose to not to share for personal reasons. But that's not even the point, really. The point is we are left w/ our heads spinning and quite frankly my faith shaken. I have not lost my faith or given up on God, that would be just plain stupid but i'd be lying if I said I wasn't questioning God.  
~Disclaimer: Sensitive topics regarding uterus' will be talked about~
So I have had my period since June 4th. This is in every way just WRONG. REALLY.. just WRONG. I've never dealt w/ this and I'll tell you it sucks. I realize many women deal with this all the time. For me it has taken a toll on me physically because I'm anemic. My iron levels already were low. Throw almost a month of blood loss on top of that equals one very run down mama. So I go to the ER finally b/c when I called the Dr the nurse pretty much blew it off.. told me well if it becomes an on going problem to call. Well it is an ongoing problem, that's why I called to begin with. DUH! So I went to the ER because I knew they'd draw blood and I'd find out what my blood count and iron levels were etc... apparently my hemoglobin is 7.9. Right not the cusp of needing a transfusion. Now I don't normally go around asking for a blood transfusion however this time I did. To get my blood count up and my iron levels out of the toilet I'd rather be on the fast track. Coming home and taking my iron pills is fabulous except it takes FOREVER to really feel better. I am SURE there is more to it than that but from where I am sitting, I just want to feel better. I don't want to spend all summer feeling like crap. So I see my gyne on Friday and will discuss a possible hysterectomy. I'm done w/ this uterus. It served it's purpose and is of no further use to me. Now it's causing me trouble and I'd like to see it go now. 
I am just in a place that I feel like could use a break. I get it that we all do. When I look back to different times in my life I can honestly say there have been times when we were in much worse situations. But right NOW I'm struggling. With a lot of things and am just overwhelmed. I feel like all I do is complain and whine. I think all the time how I wish I was more positive etc... That kind of attitude does not come naturally to me like it does some. I've heard it said a MILLION time that you have to chose how you are going to handle things, the kind of attitude you will bring to the table. I'm telling you, I'm just not in a place that I am bringing my happy face and positive attitude to the table. I actually feel like I got the short chair and my forehead keeps banging against the damn table. 
Yes it could be worse. Yes others struggle w/ far worse than me. I get it. But today, right now, this is my struggle. it sucks, I hate it and I'm complaining and I really do want to have a better attitude. Today just isn't the day for it. It's not even 7 a.m and our stupid bed frame just broke. I'm sitting here on my laptop and it just fell. Our van is just barely surviving.  Oh, God knows the laundry list of needs we have. I know God is here. I just would like a break.