Well it was hard. sometimes I thought that we wouldn't make it through a day. But all the things people warned us about... didn't happen. We didn't get divorced. We didn't fall out of love. Instead, we held onto to each other.
THe things we did deal with are so FAR off from what young, married couples are warned about. We found out real fast what it's like to watch your child suffer through surgery right after birth, not be able to hold her while she was recovering. Having to leave our 2 year old little boy b/c his sister needed us, but then, so did he. Those are the things I NEVER expected to have to deal with. Yes we dealt with the money issues people deal with when you don't have a degree and a decent job.. when you have to survive on 1 income. But that is NOTHING compared to the things I have had to watch my children endure. Memories I have that will literally haunt me forever. Ok so that sounds dramatic. But if you watch your child scream, call for you to hold her b/c the pain she's in is worse than what an adult could handle ( those words are straight from the orthopedic surgeon's mouth and he's the best in the state). That WILL haunt me. I have too many memories I wish I could forget.
Leaving my Jeremiah and Savannah when they were at ages that they were changing, learning new things all the time. things I was missing. I almost missed Savannah's first step. I missed 2 of Jeremiah's birthday's, it was 2 years in a row.
And Isaiah. Dealing with Autism, which is mental and emotional is so different. surgery won't fix it. It took 8 LONG years to get a diagnosis for something I KNEW in my gut was there since he was 2yrs old. Again, having memories of seeing him battle and rage the war inside of him...Watching the other kids just look at Darnell and I wondering what in the world should we do? Being in the school system that did nothing but make it harder for him. Some kids, being in the classroom is what works for them, they thrive. For Isaiah-it is his biggest trigger.
Now watching Darnell battle cancer. He is winning. The tumor is gone, the radiation is almost over. He's in pain. At the site of the radiation, is right along the incision from where the surgery was. It's a 7 1/2 inch incision that is dry and sore and he's in pain and so tired. Today Haley stayed home from school b/c she was having such horrible bladder spasms. She said to me.. " mom.. no one knows what it's like to go through what we do" They just don't know how hard it is. It breaks my heart that my daughter is feeling like this. I know one day she will hopefully understand that God has a reason, a purpose. But honestly I don't see it right now.
we started off w/ the odds against us b/c of our age and circumstances. Turns out the birth defects, mental illness, rare cancer, depression.. all those things are the things we battle. Our marriage isn't perfect, but I'll tell you what...
I love my husband more than I could ever describe. People tell me, well they got all the cancer. he looks so good. he's got a good prognosis. All of that is true, and is a blessing. And it's the thing you say to a family dealing w/ cancer.
Being the wife, the one that just can't "do life without HIM" feels like my world changed June 18th. It changed Jan 17, 1999. and Sept 13, 2013 ( well years before that really but that is the day we got a real diagnosis).
Jeremiah and Savannah watch all this happen. They have to deal with this in a way I may never understand. I try to talk to them and be here for them. Darnell talks to them. Our lives, our life at home is 100% upside down. My daughter telling me that people just don't get it, that they don't understand how hard it is to live our life... makes me sad. I can't make all these circumstances go away.
Darnell and I will be with them, next to them every step of the way. We will pray with them and for them. I honestly will probably cry my eyes out for them b/c I hurt for them. This life, is harder than I ever expected.
But I do have hope. some days it's the size of a mustard seed. And that's all I need. God can work with that.
I didn't plan on writing all this. But I guess I want to let people in on what it's really like to have all this going on... to not know when I can buy new shoes for one of the kids or jeans or even a decent dresser and bed for Isaiah. A room that will be helpful for him.
This is a bit of a raw look at the inside of our life. So 17 years ago- they had it all wrong. We are in love. with each other and with our kids. We just have a s#it load of RARE things were juggling.
Here are some pics of Isaiah's room- I want so badly to make it "Isaiah friendly" and have no idea how to do it.
|Isaiah's room- I took the pic from his doorway|
|Isaiah's dresser w/ his BIG 'OL TV...|
|A panaromic view..|