Monday, December 9, 2013

Normal? alone? no.

It's December. It was a rough year. I feel ALONE. we have had many, many people reach out, offer and give us support. 

We were blessed by the benefit given for our family. In a way I can never possibly thank everyone enough. 

Now life is back to normal? the depression I already dealt with has gone through the roof. It's Christmas time and I feel like I am just numb. 

I've posted so many things like this. I get tired of it myself. where do I go with all this? I do things to occupy my mind.. couponing. It saves us a lot of money.  I am trying to be the wife and mom my family needs. 
Honestly- tomorrow will be the same. I hate it. I hate how I feel now and how I will feel tomorrow. I hate that we can't give our kids the Christmas I would love to give them. I know it's not about the presents. But they deserve more. I can't give it to them. 
I have been a christian all my life. I know all the verses and such.. I have done everything I know to do to try and overcome this depression through prayer and scripture..
Nothing changes. Ever. tomorrow I will feel the same and I can't make it better. 

No matter what anyone tells me... or thinks.. my husband had cancer. my son is autistic, my daughter was born with bladder exstrophy and is miserable and in oldest son and youngest daughter have to watch all this happen and I don't know how to help them deal with it all. You don't get over cancer in the blink of an eye. yes it could have been worse. yes he is ok now. does that mean I don't deal with a HUGE amount of fear and anxiety because of what I watched him go through? 

I am dealing with all that. It overwhelms me. 

So this post sounds awful and pathetic. so i'll be done now. The next post will be better.