Thursday, December 26, 2013

Haley's surgery...

Haley's having surgery on Jan. 9th. All the pain she's had is from a bladder stone. I feel so bad for my girl. Watching her in all this pain is horrible. And to say that means that what she's feeling is prob 100% worse.  The last major surgery she had was 10 years ago. So it's a whole new ball game. 

I'm still dealing w/ depression and anxiety. I'm so sick of it. I HATE feeling this way. I want to feel normal. I want to wake up in the morning and actually have a desire to be apart of the land of the living. Not just barely make it through the day without at least 2 trips to the bathroom just to either stop myself from crying or cry and make it look like I wasn't crying. 

There are a million things I could/should be doing to be more proactive in helping myself. How do you do that when taking a shower feels like a chore? I've said the same stuff and gone over it all before. I just want this to stop. The weight of it all is making me sad and just disconnect.  I know all the self help..blah blah blah...that's not going to change our cirucumstances or the stupid chemical crap that goes on in someone's brain when you're prone to this stuff. So here I am.. or rather here it is...I'm sick of it. I do not want to keep feeling like this but i'm just to the point that I feel like it's never going to change. so I guess I just deal with it. ? i feel like I'm dramatic or whatever but it honestly is just how I feel. and it sucks.