Friday, August 10, 2012

3 days post-op

I have made it to the other side of surgery, haha. Surgery went well, pretty normal I guess for a hysterectomy according to my Dr.
 I woke up feeling panicky. I kept telling the nurse that I was having a panic attack and she kept telling me I wasn't. I guess since my BP was normal, I technically wasn't having one, but it sure FELT like I was. I wanted Darnell and that was why I was so upset! I spent the night and they gave me some decent pain meds. All in all, it went fine. The pain isn't bad unless I move around. 

The emotional side of this is quite different. I suppose since they took out a huge organ that plays a big part in women and their emotions...well they left the ovaries but still. They messed w/ stuff. Just stands to reason that my emotions are a bit screwed up right now. I am missing my kids being little, I am missing the "early" years.. I have blogged about all this before. Tonight I'm just feeling it all only...a little more intensely. 
My kids have been exceptionally awesome this week! Jeremiah and Haley have been home the most and they have been so helpful and so loving. I just couldn't ask for better kids. Savannah and Isaiah just home today, they both were gone, separately but came home today. I will admit it may be challenging next week w/ Isaiah. But it was good that he was gone the first 2 days I was home.. I couldn't have really dealt w/ the "I'm bored" all day..
The weather is gorgeous.. so nice to have some cool temps. So I warned the kids that they will be spending more time outside from now till school starts. It's not blazing hot so there's no reason they can't be out enjoying the gorgeous weather! 
Darnell got his CDL (commercial drivers license). I know he's so relieved to finally be done w/ it and have it. Hopefully now he'll get his own route at work. He's worked hard and I am trusting that things will start to get a little easier. Some days I really have to remind myself why I don't work. I always think, well if I get a job, money won't be so tight. Well I will say that I know without a doubt that God has showed Darnell and I that my "job" is to be at home. With 4 kids and 2 with disabilities it's important that I be home. For Haley, bladder exstrophy doesn't slow her down and for the most part she doesn't have hardly any issues. isaiah, well every day brings something new and I just can't predict how things will go. He's already stating that he does not want to go to school. I am praying that we can help improve his attitude before school starts. Not every mom is meant to be a stay at home mom or is meant to work. We just know that for us, this is what works. It's not always easy, but that's not the point. I eventually want to go back to school, I just am unsure of it all. I just feel like I can't wrap my mind around it right now. I guess time will tell. Right now I just want to be here for my kids. I struggle with feeling like I'm doing enough, being a good enough mom etc.. I know that I need to start reading more in the Bible about my worth in God's eyes. Who I am and how "good" I am is not based on how I feel. I know what the Bible says about me, how God feels about me. I just need to start truly believing it.