Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Can I REWIND???

Can I rewind like 10 years or so? I feel so icky tonight. yes icky. We've had a lot of good going on and some not so good. I started working at O & H again for the holiday's. I like it. I feel like I am a part of the land of the living again. So that's good. Other things I am dealing with are just plain hard and unavoidable and uncomfortable. I want to cry and sleep rewind when my babies were all little and the world hadn't become real to them yet. Yet there are some days that I am AMAZED at the things my beautiful kids do and say and just who they are. I am afraid I might do something that messes that up. I try so hard to be who they need me to be. I look at the mistakes I've made in my life in general and just HATE it. I just doubt myself, who I am. I care too much about what people think. Darnell is SO opposite. He could care less about what other people think. How do I turn that off? I get it that not everyone will like me....I feel like I just FEEL too much. Can I just quit it already?!?
I had my tooth pulled last Wednesday which is fabulous really b/c it needed to happen. But I've had so much pain since that I think it's starting to get to me. 
I finished knitting my scarf. I love knitting and crocheting. It's calming and fun. I have noticed that my kids use the word "random" like we used to use the word "like" you know, like, like I really love Darnell, like so much I could marry him..like really love him.. haha.. get the idea. Well I feel so RANDOM! what the hell is wrong w/ me! It's been 3 months since my surgery and my hormones are still all off kilter. So yay me, no more period. But yay me, still PMS and hormonal. jeez. 
I feel like I need a few days away just to let my brain bleed out all the crap. that sounds gross but it's the best analogy i can come up with. 
Our new series at church is about Soul Detox. That is what I need. DETOX my brain of all the junk...one of the things from my notes is that we need to speak life giving words!  I obviously have not done that in my blog. However that is my goal. I guess I needed to detox my brain and heart of the cluttered mess I was feeling. 
The MAJOR thing I took away for myself is this~
SPEAK AND GIVE LIFE GIVING WORDS TO MYSELF!!!!
Very powerful stuff I'm telling ya! 
As I re-read what I have typed, I realize that I don't need to get away for a few days...I just need to put my big girl panties on and DEAL WITH IT. I can't run away. How does anything get better, get dealt with if you run away? However the idea is very enticing. I guess tonight I've got so much going through my mind it's all coming out very randomly. 
At the end of the day I know that I my intentions are never to make the mistakes I've made, that I want to be what my husband and kids need me to be. And finally, I need to be ok with me. I need to not believe all the toxic thoughts and words that run through my mind.