There are NO words.....

The word you NEVER EVER want to hear completely turned our world upside down in the last 5 days. On June 10th ( which just happens to be my birthday) Darnell had what his primary Dr said he was 99% sure was just a cyst. He had it for years but had recently ( like the last 9mo or so ) gotten bigger. So when his primary Dr saw him he referred him to a general surgeon to have it removed. He removed it in the office on June 10. A week later, June 17th Darnell went to get the stitches out and the Dr said they had to send out the tissue for further testing. WHAT? Red flag. The next day, June 18th I get a phone call from Dr. Stoltenberg himself telling me that what we thought was a cyst was in reality a tumor.. and it was a rare form of cancer called soft tissue sarcoma. I was DRIVING when he tells me this. 
I felt like someone punched me square in my chest. Darnell was at work. They wanted him to make an appt to get a CT scan ASAP to make sure there weren't any other tumors in his chest, abdomen or pelvis. I had to call him and tell him. I regret having to tell him over the phone. Who wants to get that news over the phone? But if he needed to contact the Dr's office etc.. how could I not tell him? And when he'd call me, b/c he always calls me on a break, how would I explain why I was totally losing it? So I ended up talking to the nurse, the Dr again and scheduling everything. 
When I picked him up from work he had to go fill out union stuff, short term disability ( which I have no idea how anyone can survive on what they pay us) The next day, June 19 he had the CT scan and blood work and more paper work. The Dr called later that day to say he didn't see any other tumors, just a spot on his rib. He believes it's a calisfication ( don't know how to spell tonight)... Friday June 21st he went in and they removed the rest of the tumor and a good margin of tissue surrounding the area. They went down to the muscle, but didn't have to take any muscle. The cancer did not spread to the lymph nodes. The site where the tumor is- well right in his upper thigh or more like his booty. They sent samples of the tissues to Mayo clinic to make sure nothing comes back abnormal. His bloodwork was all normal. 
With a sarcoma, it is rare. It's HIGHLY recommended that you see a oncologist that specializes in sarcomas. So he came home today. He's sore, he has a drain so that the fluid doesn't build up and cause an infection.. 
He's off work for 3-4 weeks at least. In that time he'll see an oncologist. We want to go straight to Froedtert. There's a Dr there that does specialize in sarcomas. We met a family from church that actually just went through this. They highly recommend this Dr. At this point, Darnell's cancerous tumor is gone, blood work looks good etc. However, for something that originally was said to be 99% not cancer.. we aren't going to play around.  He's had cancer in his body.  Our world changed DRASTICALLY so fast I felt like I was in someone else's world. 
And I'm not the one dealing with the physical reality of having cancer. I am his wife, I feel like my life, the love of my life and everything I have ever known since I was 17 years old when I met him was all of a sudden being threatened. 
We had to tell our kids.. we SOOO wanted to keep the "C" word out of it.. but it just wasn't going to roll out that way. How can you reassure you children when really, you don't have answers yourself? I felt like life was falling apart BEFORE June 18th... 
Well I guess I didn't know what that really felt like until I got that phone call. 
With all this being said, I know God is in control. As freakin scary as all this is.. scarier than anything I've ever faced. We have been overwhelmed with prayers and support from our families and friends. Darnell's facing kind of rough recover b/c of where the incision is. He's worried about being off work, paying the bills, putting gas in the van all those normal life things that go on even if you have cancer or had cancer or whatever. I have faith. In spite of it all, I do. I mean seriously..I feel like God is working overtime trying to get my attention. So he's got it.
This is just my view point. I feel like this week was surreal, like I couldn't catch my breath. I can't do life without him. Now, every bump, any kind of cyst like anything that he might have needs to be checked. I feel like this will follow him forever. Well it will. Maybe because everything happened so fast, and we are still kind of going, wait, " Darnell had cancer, they took it out.. but they still need to do a bunch of stuff to make sure it's not anywhere else... blah blah blah..." Maybe when we can catch our breath I'll not feel so scared of all this. Right now, I can say NO I won't ever be ok with this. But I know that God can give us peace that passes all understanding. 
Even as I type this, I can't believe I am typing it. a rare form of cancer. we must be a target for rare things, bladder exstrophy, I have this chiari ( where a bit of my brain pushes up against my skull and they say it's not bad enough to require surgery and shouldn't cause symptoms, yet I have them) and everything we deal with with Isaiah. I don't know WHY we got picked to be the poster family for the worlds most rare things.. things that have ridiculous odds of happening. I'll be asking God the minute I get the chance once I am in heaven. 
I am going to finally sleep. Darnell's sleeping downstairs on the couch b/c he can't go up and down stairs and he's terribly uncomfortable. But he's home. He's ok. I don't know what the future holds. But a week ago, before all this, I didn't know it then either. I guess now I just got a HUGE dose of what can happen, what does happen. I need to make the choice to be in the moment. sounds new-agey or whatever but it makes sense. 
I'm exhausted. I'm drained. I try not to worry about how our bills will get paid... but Darnell's alive. he's ok. God just has to help me handle the rest. I'm good at taking care of him. I was good at taking care of Haley after all of her surgeries and all the things she went through. So I know I am good at taking care of my husband. I'm not very confident about things, but I am confident about this. So.. there you have it. My point of view. how i have experienced this week. good night. 

heartbroken.

I know they say "this too shall pass" 
I've been hearing that and saying that for years. I think it's crap. Today I do anyways. 
We have hit some huge issues w/ Isaiah again.. 
daily life is hard. Some days it feels impossible. NOTHING is working with him. He is going through a med change right now. He goes in August for a full neuropsych evaluation. 
This is breaking my heart. Seeing my boy go through all this is the worst part. I'm prob going to sound like I'm having a huge pity party today.. well so be it. I've watched my daughter endure physical pain that broke my heart.. and know that it's not going to go away.. I can't fix it. Now with Isaiah.. I'm watching him go through this mental/psychological meltdown after meltdown. He is starting to get physical again. 
I'm drained. I have NOTHING left to give anyone. Which is horrible, I mean seriously horrible because I am have 4 children, a husband.. I need to keep it together. I can't. I really and truly can't. 
Everything else-life stuff is feeling like it weighs a million pounds. a car we need to run isn't running.. one of my meds is going to cost almost $200 b/c I have to get a 3 month supply through our insurance. I don't have it. I'm selling scarves and trying to sell things on the FB garage sales to make extra money to put towards just a medication. My girls need summer clothes.. 
I'm seeing a counselor( THANK GOD) but right now, today.. I got nothing. I pray and I cry and do it all over. I realize I am prob supposed to accept the hand we are dealt.. we've been dealing with this for long enough.. but this is me. This is how I am. emotional. overwhelmed. and scared.

The Craziness of life...

It's been a while since I've blogged....

I've been busy. This season of life is hard.

Crappy.

full of ups and downs.

emotionally draining.

It's not anything new really..just the same stuff that feels like it's hit a new level. Isaiah's down to a 2 hours school day. This is good on one hand b/c we can actually get him to go to school. 

BUT...that means he's home most of the time. bored. It's hard to keep him busy and he drives me nuts w/ the "I'M BORED..THERE'S NOTHING TO DO..." 

So although this is not new stuff really it's just taking a toll. I realize this is just how it is and I accept it. I am human and am worn out. 

I still am having tons of fun making my own cleaning products! Last week I made homemade febreeze, shout, oxiclean and a grout cleaner that made my bathroom floor look brand new! 

Even the kids were impressed w/ how clean the floor was. 

I also am very interested in Essential Oils. I really want to sell them but it's a huge undertaking and I don't have the money to start it up. So I just bought a few small bottles from Ebay to see what I can do with them. They're only 10ml so it's was very inexpensive. I am interested not only in how to use them with cleaning products but the more reading I do the more I am seeing how they can be so helpful in natural remedies. I bought Lavender, Peppermint, Tea Tree and Rosemary. The peppermint is supposed to be great for headaches so I am going to put that one to the test! 

We have let our Cable go in an effort to save money and I also am proud to announce that I only buy Starbucks once or twice a week! Which for me, is a huge difference!!! We are trying hard to save money wherever we can. I am still couponing and am trying to do as much meal planning as possible. I am going to have to really get on top of things w/ summer coming and having the kids home. It's hard to meal plan and buy groceries that are healthy w/o going broke!

If you are reading this, I just ask that you would keep us in your prayers. With summer coming I'm extremely anxious about how Isaiah will be, keeping him busy and just trying to keep myself together. I do my best to do everything I'm "supposed" to do when you have a child with special needs. It's just hard. I don't want to be on pins and needles all summer and I want us to enjoy it. Thanks :)

WARNING!!! I am venting... read at your own risk.

Warning.. I am venting. I will NOT apologize for what I blog about, especially not today. So if you are going to have a problem with what I write, stop reading now. 

Life has been hard. big shocker. when isn't it, for anyone? 
lately it has been one thing after another. as a mom..watching your kids go through crap is about as bad as it gets. 
Isaiah is not in a good place. We can hardly get him to school. When he's there, he does little to no work b/c he won't cooperate. 
not because he's this defiant child who just doesn't want to. 
not because he's a menace.
because he suffers from bi-polar disorder as well as asperger's. And I don't know what other mental disorders that go along with these things.
Anxiety is what is ruling his world right now.
what would YOU do if your 9yr old was so overwhelmed by anxiety that he can barely walk out the door to get on the bus? 
When he gets to school the teacher has to coax him off the bus? 
I could go on and on. Anxiety is real. It sucks. It sucks a little bit more when your 9 yr old is suffering from it. The way is presents itself is through anger, frustration etc...
Medicine helps but by no means makes a big enough difference. 
So now.. we have to decide on a daily basis whether or not to send him to school based on the facts.. will he be able to make it to school and not hurt himself or someone else? 
His special ED teacher is an ANGEL FROM HEAVEN! She's awesome! 
She gets him. thank GOD. 
We're having an IEP meeting to decide the next step. when he was younger and all this happened we had to keep him home from school and a teacher came out to the house a few times a week. That worked wonders for Isaiah.
Somethings gotta give. He can't go on like this. 
I can't. Our family can't. 
I'm drained. So drained and heartbroken for my boy. 
I am trying my best to find help for him.. I am hoping to find something for him to do in the summer. 
I'm overwhelmed. I've dealt with my own anxiety lately.. all this is just too much sometimes. well all the time. 
Just when I thought Haley was over the spasms for awhile.. they started again Saturday night. Hit her like a Mack truck. Seeing her in pain, cry so hard.. is heart wrenching. She doesn't understand why. She's dealing with physical pain and emotional pain. She wants to know why she has to deal with this. 
When she was a baby and would have pain.. I had a bit of comfort knowing she wouldn't remember any of it. 
she's feeling all of this and remembering it and realizing that this is just part of her life. 
Now how the hell do help her feel better? yes I pray for her, with her.. however seeing her go through this is so hard. It's harder than I ever thought it would be. 

so much to deal with. I also am a mother to 2 children that don't have any major issues and I feel like they are getting less of me.. I'm so consumed with all these feelings of guilt and fear and I just don't know what to do with it all.

Yes I trust God. yes I know he's here. however right now I am not feeling it. And yes I know it's not about how I feel. I've heard it before. I have said it before to other people. 
This is just me being real. as real as it gets. vulnerable.. honest.. and letting it all out. 
like it or not.. this is where I am at. 

Blogging, cleaning, organizing, cooking..kids..oh my!

My life has been consumed by Pinterest lately. But it's paying off! 
I have re-organized about 3/4 of our house! We have limited storage space and a weird layout so we have to use our space wisely. Before I was introduced to the world of organizing the way Pinterest portrays it, I was too overwhelmed! Well my friends, I am now well on my way to being organized! 
Step 1~ PURGE PURGE PURGE! 
....let me say that part is my favorite. Getting rid of crap we don't need and throwing stuff out is fun for me. 

I have spent many hours figuring out what will work best in each room, how to use the space wisely. It's working out well. 

With all the purging then comes cleaning. And as I was cruising through different blogs, I found many that gave recipes for homemade cleaning products. My friend Amanda has also been an inspiration. 
COOKING! my family especially likes this part. I am finding tons of recipes. With the couponing I have been doing, I have also started making meal plans so that we can save as much as we can on groceries. Before we were coming up with things on the fly, Darnell did the grocery shopping but was stopping at the store a couple times a week. NO GOOD! 
We save money alone by making less trips to the store! And now that I have a Kitchen command center on my fridge 

This is what it looked like, I am tweaking it as I go... but now the kids know what is on the menu for the week. I have to add some things but I think this is a good start. 
One website that I really LOVE is abowlfulloflemons.net

It has given me many ideas and inspired me to do things differently. 
As I said in my previous blog post, I am trying to save money save space.. be efficient in all things. Some days I'm overwhelmed by it all..but it actually gives me a new purpose in this whole stay at home mom gig. :)

Dealing with a lot of issues with Isaiah. Prayers would be appreciated!!! 

a pic of my small pantry.. a WIP (work in progress)

and a Pic from my front porch the other morning...

Spring Cleaning??

It's been awhile since I've blogged.....I've been busy! 
Busy with what? 
Well besides the obvious..hubby, 4 kids, a dog, house..and everything in between.. I have been doing some spring cleaning. I should rephrase that. Winter cleaning in the spring. Since it's still is winter here in WI. 
I have been a Pinterest addict! Anything and everything that has to do with organizing and such has been on my mind! 
I also have bought and used some homemade cleaning products!!
Can I just say vinegar STINKS but man it sure can clean your bathtub like nobody's business!!!!  Just mix blue dawn and vinegar in a squirt bottle and BAM you've got your own chemical free cleanser!! 
You just have to be able to stomach the smell!!  It's worth it though. I am considering making my own laundry detergent. I haven't fully committed to it yet. 
It's economical and better for the environment. 
But I must say, I am a Tide and Downy snob. I love the smell and the way it makes the laundry feel. If I have to do a million loads, it at least has to smell great. 
Plus with the couponing I've been doing, I'm getting some fantastic deals on laundry soap, downy sheets and downy unstoppables. Aren't these life changing things to blog about???

I guess shifting my focus to all of that has helped me deal with the latest issues with Isaiah. He's gone through a lot as far as med changes, issues at school etc... 
I can't fix it. So when I know things are calm... I tune it all out. 
-Probably not the best way to handle it but it's working right now. Couponing, cleaning, organizing... it's all constructive. Knitting too..I was on a good roll with selling my ruffle scarves, I am praying that I can keep selling them. The extra money is helpful. In all my efforts I am trying to save us money. With making our own cleaning supplies and couponing and selling scarves.. I'm trying. As I said, it also serves as a way to tune things out. 
Well I guess that's all for today! I'm attaching some pics of scarves that are for sale, let me know if you are interested! 

Time's are tough...

Well it's been awhile since I last blogged. I've been doing a LOT of knitting and obsessing over coupons, lol. I got a binder to hold and organize all my coupons. I am doing a pretty decent job saving some $$. For example, at Target on Friday, I bought 3 boxes of Bounce dryers sheets, (34 count) for .15 cents all together. Not too shabby. 

In other news, it's been a rough few months. Isaiah's issues have gotten worse. Getting him to go to school is darn near impossible. The princple's are calling me, he's giving the special ed teacher a hard time, the bus driver. Last week he had an episode like he used to and I thought he'd break his hand he was banging it on the floor so hard. It's like 2009 all over again. For those that don't know what that means, 2009 was close to one of the worst years so far. At this point I'm overwhelmed, sad, tired and just at a loss as to what to do next. I never know what to expect. I can't get through a day with him w/o having issues (big issues) over the most small things. Everything is hard. This just wipes him out, wipes me out and the rest of the family. I am trusting God but I won't lie when I say I'm barely hanging on. 
Haley had a really bad UTI and we brought her to the Children's ER a few weeks ago. The only med that would ease the pain she was in was toradol through an IV. These infections are hitting her hard and taking her breath away. I don't know how to watch my daughter deal w/ this kind of pain and not have any way of taking it away. She said to me" I'm scared in the morning that I'll have spasms at school" and that she's tired of having to deal with all of it. This is EXACTLY what I knew would come out of her mouth some day. It was inevitable and now that it's here, I still can't do anything about it. she handles it well but she is only human and she can only take so much too. 
so right now, I am feeling like I need to raise the "I surrender flag"... I'm stressed, I feel so.... i don't even know. I just know that we need a break. This much stress is taking it's toll.