Tuesday, April 13, 2010

puke

well this blog is going to be what I call a "puke blog"... basically throwing up so to speak all the yuck that is going on in my head. First off, I wish I could be consistent w/ working out. I get going, feel like a rockstar, and then totally lose my mojo. I try to push through my feelings... but most times I can't. I'm watching The biggest Loser, I really wish I could put everything into it like they do. I am constantly feeling not good enough, and just the same old crap. Last night I cryed myself to sleep, literally. It was just one of those nights. I am on a vicious cycle. I wnat to be consistent. I know how good it feels when I am... but need to figure out what stops me from continuing that.. it's like a mental block or something..I "feel" like a horrible mom 99% of the time. Quite honestly, as horrible as it sounds, I just feel like I jsut want to be alone. I want to go on vacation and just get my head together. reality is that I don't have the finances to do that for one, and I'm a mother and wife, I don't get the luxury to just go away for a few days...The thought of going to a bed and breakfast just sounds sooo appealing! I also wonder..how do I get out of this rut? How do I get my head together while I am trying to juggle it all? I have an awesome support system, but if a person can't get it together on the inside, all the help from other people won't do me a bit of good if I can't get my head straight. And how do I do that when I have resoponsibilites, I can't go away and be pampered and get refreshed. Darnell does an AWESOME job in helping me when he's off work. I am blessed beyond my wildest dreams.