Sunday, December 11, 2011

If ONLY....

If only you knew how hard it is for me to just be..
If only you knew how badly I want to feel normal.
~ to not feel depressed..
~to not feel withdrawn
~to go thru a day w/o memories that feel like they will haunt me for the rest of my life
~to not feel like everyone is judging me and hating me
~to have the energy my kids deserve I have to keep up with them
~to not be awake half the night b/c depression and sorrow feel like they have taken over my soul
~ to feel like someone sucked the breath right out of me, and I am constantly gasping for fresh air
~ to physically not be in some kind of pain
~ to lead a "normal"  life 
Every day is a challenge. Just taking a shower some days feels like a huge feat to me. Knowing I have to go somewhere, knowing I have appointments, that I have to take the kids somewhere or that I have errands to run cause anxiety in me the night before, probably to the point that that's why I am up half the night. Simple things for others feel like climbing a mountain to me. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to cuddle up in my bed and never come out. People don't understand this. In the world's eye's it's called "laziness".. suck it up.. get over it. etc... well if it were that easy jack ass, I would have done that. I don't WANT to feel this way. I am seeing a shrink and a therapist. I'm on meds. I can hear the next suggestion.. well you just need to go to church. well God can't meet me where I am at? Because me, going to church right now, isn't happening. If I do go it's because I pull every fiber of my being together for my kids b/c they need to be there. I pray, I have my time w/ God. I haven't left God. he hasn't left me. I'm  not even mad at God at this point. I got over that. 
I just feel...miserable. I want to be happy. I have a few close friends that have been here for me thru all of this. I have a few that I now know just can't be here for me and, well whatever. it is what it is. I have enough I'm dealing with to worry about people who have not worried one bit about me! And I don't say that the way it sounds, it just like I said, it is what it is. People do what they can. 
Most of all.......I wish I could get it together so my babies didn't see their mama like this.