ROCK BOTTOM. I think I hit it this week. Denial stopped working, avoidance no longer helped...and BAM~ REALITY! And MAN did it feel like I got hit w/ a mack truck, all over again. A good friend pointed out that this is probably a good place to be though. This is where God can build me back up. I may feel like crap, and well to be completely honest, I have felt like absolute shit. I'm done tip toeing around, this is me! I swear when I feel like it, especially in my blog. This week has sucked big time. Darnell and I got into, mostly because I just couldn't admit that I was hitting rock bottom and feeling shitty. Once I could express that, well obviously he knew why I was acting like a weird o, lol. He of course just wants me to be honest w/ him and keep him clued in. I tend to hold it all in until it spills out. So we are all good now. I'm thankful that he is understanding and patient. This year has really been horrible. with all my physical issues that have started plus the assault.. I mean really, can a girl get a break? I know it could always be worse. HOWEVER..for me, this feels WORSE. I can barely function some days. Other days I can bake and cook and crochet and sounds and function like a semi normal person.
This is NOT what I wanted for myself. THis is not where I saw myself. I feel like a failure in so many ways. But yet I know that mental illness itself is nothing to be ashamed of. It runs in my family. At times I feel guilty that I passed this on to Isaiah. But I know I don't have control of such things.
This year I have had a handful of friends who have been here for me, thru it all. They have talked me thru the tough times, sent me encouraging emails, made me laugh, sat w/ me at Starbucks and just listened to me. For that, my friends, I will forever be grateful. Unfortunately I have found that some people just aren't there for you in times of crisis. People you thought would be, however it is what it is. People do what they can do. Just like right now, I am not capable of much. If you don't have it to give, you just don't. It doesn't make you horrible, it just makes you human.
Thankfully though, 95% of my friends and family have been absolutely fabulous to me this year. I am beyond thankful. And I will be so glad to say goodbye to 2011!!
Meliss, again, I appreciate your honesty. Always. And I feel like, maybe, one positive that has come of this horrible year for you is this new confidence. A confidence in KNOWING that it's OK to say "no"....that you don't HAVE to do it all. That its human to have and show our weaknesses so that others can come along side us in support and love. A confidence in knowing that we all have limits and you are learning some of yours through the struggles. It doesn't make any of it fun....AT ALL. But I can, from the outside, see you growing in positive ways through the storm. I love you, friend! I pray for you frequently. And I am encouraged by you. ~Heidi B.
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