Saturday, December 3, 2011

Truth

As I have stated before, in my blog I will be 100% honest. I have a tendency to worry about what people will think about me. However, this is my blog. My place to write out my thoughts and if someone doesn't like it, don't read it. And I say that not meanly, but very seriously. 
so...The last few weeks have been hard. Dealing w/ a lot of anxiety, stress etc... I am going down a road that isn't good. With the assault that happened in July, at first well for the first couple months I think I was in denial. And then in November, BAM it hit me like a freaking mack truck. I am not the kind of person that can hold this all in. Of course I hold back the really personal stuff, but it's therapeutic for me to blog. 
So here I am blogging about something most women don't even talk about. I'm telling you, I just don't do anything normal. lol. But now, I'm feeling nervous and anxious I can't sleep, or when I do sleep I have weird dreams.I have a hard time going places, I don't want to leave the house..I'm jumpy and antsy and restless. 
I get anxious when I know I have to go somewhere. Like tomorrow morning, the girls need to be at church for a choir thing and I have anxiety already about going. Doesn't make a bit of sense, but it just is how I feel. And how do you make sense of stuff like that? My best days are when I know I don't have to go anywhere. I realize this isn't healthy, and I have an appt on Monday w/ a counselor. But for right now, this is just how it is. 
I am mad about what happened to me. I'm not afraid to say it, I was raped. Sexually assaulted, whatever. I don't know how women hold this in. If I did that, I'd be more of a basket case than I already am. It goes against the grain to publicly talk about stuff like this, but if you don't shine the light into the darkness, then you are just stuck in the dark. How can you heal? How can you move forward in the dark? how can God shine his light and help you thru if you basically deny that something ever happened? I tried denying it. It makes you miserable. 
So on that note, I may try and sleep or I may not b/c as I said, I've had trouble sleeping. I get restless and antsy at night. I used to sleep everything off. that was my way of dealing w/ things. Now, If I sleep more than 5 hrs at a time I'm lucky. booooo...........