The Elephant in the room....

So...the elephant in MY room as of late is..drum roll..... the weight I have gained. Maybe not important to some, but to me, it is a sign of going in the wrong direction. I had gastric bypass 6 years ago. I have gained about 40lbs since I was at my lowest. And even when i was at my lowest, I never EVER got down to be "skinny".. I did not have the surgery to look like a barbie doll. I mean really, I have had 4 kids... I will not look like a model or whatever unless I undergo a major overhaul and the overhaul is hauling all this extra skin off my bod. so... I wasn't nor am I looking to be that skinny chick. I'm ok with that. I am NOT ok w/ gaining weight. At one point, I FELT like the exercise QUEEN.. I really felt like my own version of a rock star, hehe...Well that has gotten put on the back burner that is no longer even on the stove! So that means the weight has slowly crept back on. Yuck. The exercise part requires energy. I do have 2 valid reasons my exercise has suffered to some extent, not entirely. 1, I had an extremely low iron level...almost dangerously low. To the point I had so little energy that I just could barely function, let alone exercise. My 2nd thing... depression. People say well exercise helps you not be depressed. Well tell me this oh wise one.. how the heck can you muster up the energy to exercise when you are so depressed you can't even take a shower w/o being worn out? It's an oxy moron. depression makes you not want to do anything, exercise gives you energy.. it's just hard to get that jump start. And, I have totally gone off my eating habits that I should be following according to my post gastric bypass diet. So do I have a plan of attack? no, not yet. I do have one thing I need to work on, not hating myself so much that I can't get past that to actually do something good for myself. Doing the work to be skinny isn't the right motive. I want to be healthy. All of that being said, I still need to work on how I see myself, figure things out in my head and hopefully get somewhere. I can't afford to buy new clothes so I better figure it out quick. ha.

Raising Kids

This time 16 years ago Darnell and I were just beginning our life togehter. However, I was an extremely insecure 17 year old girl and he was so laid back it made me sick,lol. We fought A LOT... just ask our friends. However thru the years I have been told by a good friend that we for sure did not lack passion. We fought passionately but we loved each other even more passionately. Sort of like the saying work hard play hard. 14 years ago at this time I was 6 1/2 months pregnant and planning our wedding!!! D told me from the VERY beginning that he wanted to wake up to my beautiful face every day. Boy he didn't know what he was really asking for, haha. Now our kids are little protege's of me sometimes, haha. Now that we have children, all out of the baby/ toddler stage life takes on a different meaning. What happens now will shape who they become to some extent. And as the years have passed so quickly I realize that we only get one shot at this. It's not something you can take lightly. What we do, say, believe directly affects our kids upbringing. We have the power to shape their childhood years. I want them to have good memories. I want them to Love God, love others. I want them to stay close when they get older. No offense to my mom's side of the family, but unfortunately she and her 4 siblings had a rough life and now I belive their relationships suffer because of it. It's a shame. I want my kids to stay close, to have the mentatlity that no matter WHAT. I think because of Haley's surgeries, Isaiah's disablilty, they will stay close. Tragedy, illness stuff like can really bond a family. what it all boils down to is that I love my kids to the ends of the earth. I want the best for them in their life. I want the choices D and I make now to be the right ones for them. I don't expect perfection at all....just to know that we did our best for them. When we first got pregnant w/ Jeremiah, it was rough. We weren't married.. you get the idea.. to a lot of people that is very common and normal. well it wasn't for me. I'm not in any way judging anyone else, I just was young and brought up to wait till I got married. well obviously that didn't happen and then I was pregnant. Well.. all these years later, I look at Jeremiah and see what a great kid he is. when I feel like being a bad ass I want to say to all those that were so negative about us getting married etc..nananananana... he's the best thing that ever happened to us. However, it is by the grace of God. he made it possible for Darnell and I to make it thru all the trials...I never imagined we'd have 2 kids w/ disabilities, one physical one mental. I wonder what God is thinking?? haha.. He sees something in us, I may not see it, but he trusts us w/ these kids. I heard a quote that said something to the effect of God picks those that are willing not necessarily qualified. I don't or have ever felt qualified to handle all this. But, I did say to the Lord a very long time ago that I was willing to go the distance, to handle what God sent our way! Well he sent it alright! I am proud of my kids. I am proud to be their mom. God will make me qualified as I go. Good thing, lol!!!

The Beginning....

We met in the summer of 1994. It was the summer before my senior year. I saw him for the first time wearing a blue dress. Yes that is right, a blue dress. And then he got a pie in the face, I think. We were at youth group. Afterwards, he played basketball and I hung out w/ my friends desperately wondering who this tall, black kid was that came w/ our friend Ryan. Well Ryan ended up giving me a ride home, he had his mom's mini van. We were so cool, haha... This guy rode w/ us. I ended up riding next to him. Yes, he was SWEATY!!!! He put his arm around me. I thought I was going to die. This was my first experience with a guy getting this close to me. We flirted, he teased me that I was his "pretend girlfriend"...That was just the beginning. Little did I know that I would one day become his wife, the mother of his children. We have children that look a little like me a lot like him...There is something to be said for looking at the love of your life and then looking at your children and seeing yourself and him in your kids. You see facial expressions, a look that stops you in your tracks! I am sure that the day I saw him, I never imagined in my wildest dreams that he'd pick me. I had hoped he just liked me, much to my amazement he fell in love with me and I with him!

feeling crappy....

This medication change SUCKS!! I can't sleep for crap, when I do, I'm having the craziest dreams/nighmares I ever had.. i wake up every 2 hrs at least. I'm dizzy and I feel like I'm pregnant, no I'm not really, but my emotions are all over the place. This sux. yes I am whining and complaining. Plus Isaiah is sooooo backed up, his belly was hard as a rock. I will spare everyone the gorey details..let's just say he's miserable. I'm not feeling too hot myself...This last week really bit the big one. I am probably being a big dramatic.. oh well. I have 7 followers of my blog. I have had this pipe dream that I will have lots and lots of followers, but I guess I am not that interesting, LOL....Well I am going to chill w/ Isaiah. My poor boy has had better days..

FALL

Every September brings with it earlier sunsets, brisk weather, changing leaves. Every year it brings the smell of fall, that crisp scent of leaves falling from the trees. The whistle of the winds blowing, leaves falling to the ground. I remember as a young girl walking home from school seeing the most amazing leaves, the colors were each so distinct. The crunch you would hear as you walked, the later it got in the fall. Every fall also brought with it new memories. As I got older it brought memories of walking home from school feeling refreshed from the gorgeous weather, falling asleep with the window cracked open. As I got a little older and met my husband, fall meant something new all together. FOOTBALL!! Although after over 16 years together and I still do not know one more thing about football than i did then, I do know what football does. It brings people together. People band together to watch their favorite team, good food cooks, kids play football in the fallen leaves. Sunday afternoons consist of chili and football. The kids come in smelling of that wonderful smell of fall. I remember that smell so well from my own childhood, now it comes rushing back to me as my children tumble in the house after a long day of playing outside. In our home at this time of year, candles are being lit, the house smells of cinnamon. Soon it will hold the smell of apple pie that I will make after we make our annual trip to Apple Holler. The kids will pick tons of apples, every apple being perfect in their eyes. Or the occassional apple that was once home to a worm.

This time of year is cozy, for lack of a better word. Good movies playing on TV when a football game is not on. Crock pots filled with homemade chicken noodle soup that smell like heaven. Fall is here. The colors of the season will be breath taking just as they are every year. The birds will slowly find their way to their cozy home for the cold season that is coming. The trees will soon be barren of the once vibrant green leaves that will surely return in Spring. All of the changes remind me of how God has his hand on every aspect of nature. Also that he has his hand on every change that takes place in my life as every year brings new changes and challenges with it.

Dr...

I went to the Dr today. I was officially diagnosed w/ manic depression. Big shocker hey? LOL... She is giving me a different meds, well actually changing up my meds. Hopefully I will start to feel better. I HATE feeling the way I do. I also hate the Isaiah has the same issues. depression, bipolar, it all goes together. It breaks my heart that he is already experiencing anxiety and all that crap. He is doing well in school though. Far better than I thought he would. I'm so proud of him.

Let me just say, Darnell is awesome. While I'm dealing w/ all this emotional junk he has been such an awesome help. He doesn't give me a hard time, he does so much around the house. He's an awesome husband.

Anxious

Lately I have been feeling extremely anxious. I have known for years that I have anxiety/panic issues. Which is the reason I have been on medication for it. Well I changed meds in July and man, it is making me feel like I'm losing my mind. I don't want to go anywhere, do anything...I want to stay home and that's it. I hate feeling like this. when I know Ihave to go somewhere, I start feeling anxious days before. Add in some PMS last week and that is a recipe for one emotional/ basket case of a woman. I did start going thru a bunch of junk, shredding tons of old paper that was taking up so much space. But I'll get started on something and then don't have the energy to finish. I did go for a about a mile and a half walk on Monday, then yesterday my friend called me up to go for a walk, I thought we walked 4 miles but it was actually 3. Not bad. I have not gone for a walk today. I go to the Dr tomorrow to get this medication situation under control.
Isaiah brought home a spelling list. He had to practice the words. I immediately paniced b/c I didn't think he could do it. Well I will not underestimate my son again! He did really well!! He's really doing well. Yesterday he got into a bit of trouble for talking to his friend, this friend whom he can't remember his name, lol, and he wasn't following directions, he was giggling. At least he's feeling comfortable. I am getting concerned about his bowel issues. He holds it in, and his belly is so distended that his inny belly button is starting to become an outty. May have to call the Dr tomorrow. Never a dull moment!