Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Happy Birthday to me...

I'm 32 today. big whup. I received TONS of birthday wishes via facebook and phone calls, all that made my day! My sweet niece Livy sang me happy b-day w/ the help of her wonderful mama and my bff, that was such a highlight of my day. THe morning? I sat in the St.Mary's parking lot by the ER deciding, do I bring Isaiah in or not? he's gone balistic, by that point had had 3 huge, raging, violent episodes and it wasn't barely 10 a.m. And of course this all happened for the most part while I was driving..not good. God was looking out for us. To be quite honest, I am so MAD, I am so sick of all this shit. Warning! Swear words may be used, sorry to offend anyone who may read this, if anyone does, but you'll have to get over it, lol, so damnit I am freaking sick of all this. I know it is NOT Isaiah's fault. However that does not diminish the fact that our daily life is diminishing to nothing but avoiding his rages or dealing w/ them. This isn't normal for a 5 year old. When he's calm, he's been more talkative, saying things like, I'm going to make a good choice mom, positive stuff. I have to keep reminding myself of that. I just feel COMPLETELY fryed. Darnell and I are leaving tomorrow for the trailer for almost 4 whole days. So tonight or rather today and tonight have been spent doing ALL the laundry so that I won't have any to come home to, packing everyone up. Jeremiah is at the Willoughby's till tmrw after school then mom is picking him up. Aunt Sheila is picking the girls up from school and the 3 of them are going to be at grandma's and aunt sheila's. Isaiah is at Joanie's. He does well there. Hopefully he will cooperate and get on the van for his program. I am going from 10-11 a.m. tmrw for the Johnson Wax testing orientation so I can do the testing and make a few extra bucks here and there. Then will be leaving for the trailer! I am trying to get the house as clean as possible so that when we get back I won't have a huge mess to come home to. Monday we have a family session at Rogers Memorial w/ Isaiah's social worker. I am hoping to figure out a plan for Isaiah that will address these violent episodes. What makes me the most pissed off is that this is only happening at home and w/ me. Well when Darnell's home he still has them at the same rate. But shit, I feel like the biggest failure as a mother. I have family and friends that tell me differently, but how can I not feel like shit when my son pratically beats the hell out of me, my other kids, I have zero control over him, he calls the shots, or so it seems. Something's gotta give. anyways, i have pissed and moaned enough. Same shit different day. At the rate of sounding melodramatic, just because it's my birthday doesn't mean anything should change. so big whup....