Monday, October 12, 2009
Well, Sat. night I couldn't sleep.. was up till past 3 a.m. I had been mulling over all kinds of things that run thru your mind in the middle of the night. THe only time of day/night when there is absolute silence in our home! I decided to email a friend of mine who has been sort of a spiritual mentor/friend for many years. her and her husband lead a Sunday night gathering..not an actual church serive, basically you show up and see what God has on the agenda. So when I got her email Sunday afternoon, saying she could COMPLTELEY relate to a lot of what I have been feeling regarding God, church, spirituaity I instantly knew that I needed to go to her house that night. I called ahead of time to see if ( a bit of vanity popping up) anyone dresses up..what's the style..whatever. Well it's come as you are. Period. Well I ended up having a few minutes to maybe throw some better clothes on ( of course I was in adidas sweats, no make up, hair not done) however God stopped me. I felt the strong sense that God didn't want me to make myself up. This is me, in my most comfortable and least attractive form, but to God, none of that matters. A little lesson in getting over myself. so.. we go. The kids were kinda like "huh" well they ended up having a BLAST! I was prayed for and over. I feel such a freedom. I have felt for sooo long that I am in a box, wrapped w/ duct tape... the box that keeps me from doing what God wants. My idea of church has always been sunday morning, wed night and if you don't do that.. you are a heathen, or a back slider, etc..However, I am learning that I am not getting what God has for me. It's no fault of my church, I am in no way disengaging myself from church, but for me, our family, Sunday mornings are now open. I am daring to step out of the box, our "church" is going to be where God is. Right now we happen to be meeting at our friends home and meeting God there. It says in the Bible that people make up the church, not the building.. Being bound to rules, and all that our world has made church to be, isn't what God intended, in my opinion. At least not all of it. It can be different and still be right. God isn't limited. So why should I be? So I am letting go of the guilt. I know this may not make sense to some, may sound crazy to others, but I challenge anyone who may come across this, to ask yourself if you are truly happy w/ your current relationship w/ God and all that entails. If you are, GREAT!! For ME, this season, is about change. I am learning new things about myself. I feel good that my kids are being exposed to different types of worship, different types of what fellowship w/ God and other christians can be. I am coming to a place that I want to be ok w/ me. Just as God created me. Who is that? Well for starters, I am a daughter to a fabulous MOM, a wife to an amazing hubby, a mother... I am not a morning person, and guess what? that's ok! I can get more done in the late evenings and night that most people can do in the a.m. I LOVE starbucks..duh, lol.. it makes me happy..what can I say. I am NOT a teacher.. I will not teach sunday school or any kind of children's class. It's not my gift. I won't apologize for that. I have a passion for nursing, for helping people in medical crisis..I have 2 disabled children. I stay home even though they are all at school. I felt VERY guilty about that, but literally right now, Isaiah isn't going to school ( whole other topic, lol) so I am and have the ability to stay home w/ him. I chew ice. That will be ending soon since I am getting my dental work done to fix my teeth. I am addicted to Facebook. I love networking, connecting w/ people. I love to take pictures, I watch the SAME movie every night to fall asleep. Right now, my movie of choice has been "you've got Mail" All of this is who I am. Take me or leave me. I have a LONG way to go.. I am also dealing w/ depression due to all the traumatic events that have happened the last year w/ Isaiah. So some days, like today I feel GREAT, other days..not so hot. I am learning that I need to let God heal me from the inside out. So maybe it's not quite a depression... rather a healing period. I'm not going to fight it. I like to blog. some think it's weird, again, I don't care. It's theraputic for me. I don't want to hide behind anything. It does take some guts to put this all out there, I guess I have the guts. It forces me to break the tape in my head that's been running for years that tells me" what will people think?" well in blogging, I am in a way smushing that! haha. I want my children to see a mom that loves them sooooo much, that cares what God thinks, not the world. So this is a start. I am done for tonight.. spilled my guts! feels good. God is good. better than good!