Thursday, October 1, 2009

Being transparent??

I have been thinking about my blog and exactly what to share, what's TMI, should I be so transparent..and I've decided that people dont' get anywhere hiding behind things. I don't really hide behind much. It's no secret that this last year has been hell for our family. Thru the grace of God, we are all still in one piece. Emotionally though, I feel quite..oh what's the word? I feel uncomfortable in my own skin. Having to deal w/ the emotional reprecutions of what we have experienced. I struggle w/ not wanting to throw a pity party, but not denying the fact that I truly am struggling. I am seeing a christian counsleor...good thing! He basically validated that it's no wonder I am in a depression of sorts. Depression is as real as cancer or heart disease. My mind tells me one thing, well a million things and what I "should" do...and getting myself to follow thru is a whole other story..My thearpist said to stay away from the "shoulds" of life, I should do this or that or the other.. basically I am setting myself up to fail. So I am starting small, making small goals for myself. I am trying my very best to get thru this. Darnell is fabulous in helping me thru.. he realizes that he can't fix it but he supports me, encourages me and doesn't critize me. I say to myself, quite a bit actually..."well Melissa, you are home all day..you could be doing a million things" yet some days I get very little done. My therapist told me to make a small list, things that are on the easier end of what I need to do and work my way from there. Sounds like a plan. takes the guilt out of the equation. On the up side, our porch is getting re done!! It's falling into place and this time next week it should be done ( depending on the weather).. that is a HUGE relief in itself. well I am falling asleep.