Friday, May 28, 2010

rambling..........

Well we are ALMOST done moving. It seems to be taking forever, however, w/ 4 kids, Darnell working, and my back going out, I think we are doing ok. This post, I will warn you is coming from an overtired, emotional, stressed out mom. lol. I was watching Isaiah this week wait at the bus stop for the girls to get off the bus. He was standing there, talking to himself, making some weird hand motions... it just hurts my heart to see how different he is , sometimes. Not all the time, but he is so, so innocent. He has no idea that the way he sees the world is soo different than the rest of us. I am terrified of him being a part of a world that will maybe take advantage of him. And not knowing how he'll mature, how things will pan out makes me scared. I know I have to trust God, but I'll be honest and just say right out, I have many moments when my feelings, my emotions just get the best of me. I mean, I'm a mom...I want the VERY best for my kids. I know I am not a fun mom. seriously, I'm not. I want to be. work in progress. I need to quit sweating the small stuff and enjoy my kids. Darnell is the fun one. Sometimes I feel extremely inadequate in comparison. I am NOT saying this for ANYONE to stroke my ego. This is how I feel. period. I don't need reassurance from anyone to make me feel better. This is how I feel right now. Life has changed so much lately. It's starting to catch up to me I think. I want to go on vacation and come home and have everything be in it's place, clean and settled. lol... This summer will be 16 years that Darnell and I have been together. He was 16 when we started dating. WOW! I miss the early days when everything felt new, when I had butterflies at the sight of him. Now, all these years later, my love for him is deeper and stronger than ever. I wouldn't trade it for anything. I guess I just miss those feelings of things being new. Once you are married, have kids, deal w/ crisis and life and reality, your conversations change from ones of what the future holds to that of what should I make for dinner, one of the kids needs a permission slip signed, you get the idea. I honestly would make the effort to be more romantic, but I have no idea what to do. With all this being said, I am so thankful for my marriage. I have a husband who works his booty off for us, doesn't complain, loves us more than life itself. That alone is ALOT more than a lot of women have. I try very hard not to take it for granted. I also think I watch too many silly romance movies, lol... not to mention I am exhausted, emotionally drained and it's past midnight, so tomorrow I may read this and want to delete it, lol...I have said before, my blog is a place for me to VENT....type out what is rolling around in my head...some of it is rational, some of it is not, haha...so there you have it.