Saturday, November 13, 2010

3 DAYS!!!!!!!!

3 days!!!!!! I can't wait!!! My first vacation in my adult life by myself. As a wife and a mom and having the stressful life we have, this is going to be quite exciting. While I cherish being a wife and mom, It will be kind of weird and nice to be just ME for just a little bit. I don't want to escape it, just a break from it. I've been a mom and a wife since I was 19. I wouldn't change it for anything. But every mom/wife needs a break. The last several years have been especially trying. It's seems to have all hit me harder in the last couple months. I have 2 books I probably should be reading about Isaiah's condition, but It's like I get stuck. I just can't pick up the book. I know it contains info that is going to be helpful, but it also validates the things Isaiah deals with and will continue to deal with. It's hard to read that. With Haley's bladder exstrophy at first I didn't want ANYTHING to do w/ research, support groups etc.. because I was SURE she would be the exception. She wouldn't need more surgeries after her first. Well obviously that didn't play out that way. And once I got over the shock I dove into finding everything out I could. Knowledge was power. THe more I knew about it, and what "could" happen, the better I felt. I felt equipped to handle it. There weren't as many unknown's. With Isaiah, there are sooo many unknown's. Just day to day I don't know what we will wake up to. Lately he's waking up in the middle of the night w/ night terrors again. and so with every book I read, more research I do, I find more stuff I need to know and stuff that scares the crap out of me. I know I have faith. But, I am human. these emotions don't go away. So I end up w/ anxiety about going to church, about doing things w/o Darnell b/c what if Isaiah has a rage? I know I can handle it, but I'm wore out. I've said to myself a HUNDRED times "MElISSA, SUCK IT UP!" well, obviously that didn't work. So all of what I just spewed out is the reason I am going to Florida. In September I had a major meltdown and that's when Darnell said, ok, time to send you on a break! So I'm not having a meltdown right now, probably b/c I know I'm leaving in 3 days. I know I'm not coming back to a changed environment, but I am praying that God will restore and refresh me. I know that being a parent of a child with special needs that I need to take a break for my own sanity. And for the rest of my family, lol...I look forward to coming back with a stronger sense of security, knowing I had a break and I'll be ready to be the mom and wife God wants me to be.