Sunday, May 8, 2011

Stages of grief?

I think I am going thru some kind of stages of grief. With finding about having Chiari and knowing it is a chronic illiness, it really brings so many feelings and anxiety to the surface.
I'm about to turn 34 and have to deal w/ headaches that hurt so bad I can't even explain it. The pain is unexplainable. I'm not trying to be all "poor Melissa" , this is just how it is.I don't know when I will have one, I don't know how long it will last. Then when it goes away, it takes at least a day just for my body to recover b/c it takes so much out of me. 
It seems as if our family is just not destined to be anywhere near "normal". I am ok with that. I don't have a choice anymore. The more I fight it the more it keeps come, or so it seems. 
I'm trying my best to handle this whole thing well, but honestly I feel like a mess. The thought of being in pain, not knowing if I'll ever be able to just feel good again is very depressing. I have a ton of appointments to make, a ton of hoops to jump thru to try and find the right Dr to find the right meds..and from where I am sitting right now, all of that seems just like an overwhelming task. It's like feeling defeated before you even get started. I won't lie and say my faith has taken a hit. I still have faith that God has a plan, I just don't understand. 
I don't want to be a whiner.
I don't want to be a burden. 
I don't want to be "that" sick person. 
I just don't know who I am or who I am supposed to be. 
I thought when Haley was born, ok, I will be her advocate for bladder exstrophy. Then w/ Isaiah, I would be his advocate. And I'd be and advocate for the siblings of kids w/ disabilities. I'm the one who is dealing w/ this illness, sickness...whatever you want to call it. 

I don't feel capable or even up to the task of doing any of that. And quite honestly, I don't want to. I don't want to jump thru hoops, I don't want to chase down things and services that me or my kids should be getting anyways. 

I realize I am having a high class pity party, I hope you dressed for the occasion. 

If I don't vomit all this out in my blog, I will go to bed with it rolling around in my head. Not good. 
On Isaiah's Mother's day card he wrote that he loves that I can cook and bake good. It made me smile. why? because it reminds me of my grandma. On Savannah's she wrote out my name and for the letter I in my name she wrote In Love- meaning in love w/ Darnell. I love that our kids know that we are still in love with each other. That is one thing I always wanted them to be secure in. We may have some a bunch of stuff going on, but one thing I want them to always carry with them is that their parents loved each other. And we love them. We laugh, we have fun, we take walks on the beach. Isaiah gets all grossed out when he sees Darnell giving me a kiss. hehehehe. They also see that sometimes we bicker. We aren't yelling at each other or cussing, just plain old bickering. 
So, I feel better. I hope this week is better. I hope I don't have a headache all week. Lately, honestly, I have a headache or some kind of pain in my head or neck about 99% of the time. Thankfully, the trees are budding, flowers are starting to come up and it's looking like spring. The little things have to be enough right now.