Wednesday, May 18, 2011

A Dream I Had

I had a dream that I was driving this car, It was like I was a tiny person driving this car and the steering wheel was really high and I could hardly see above it. I remember driving, looking for something frantically that was going to make me feel “secure” I drove past the house I grew up in. That no longer held a place of security for me. I also remember driving past Starbucks, which usually brings me momentary pleasure. Sure, it’s silly and  dumb but when I’m stressed like someone who smokes lits up a cigarette, I go for my Starbucks. But in this dream, even Starbucks didn’t fill that spot. I think that dream was so significant for a lot of reasons. I know there was more to it, and I hope I remember. However with all the major things going on in my life right now, I’m finding that NOTHING is going to fill this big, gapping whole of insecurity I am feeling. Except God. Only He can fill that void. I just have to let him. I struggle with so many stupid things~ and now that I have this condition it can really limit me. Some days I wake up and feel great. I embrace those days. Then, other days I wake up and feel Horrible. There is no rhyme or reason to the headaches. Mornings are hard for me. And for once in my life, it’s not just me not being a morning person, it really has to do with Chiari. I hate that my kids have to ask me if I am having a good or bad day. I am struggling with that one. 

Back Seat Driver

are you a back seat Driver? You know who you are. The person who sits on the passenger side or the back seat and can’t help yourself but to tell the driver how to drive, which lane to drive in, when to turn, how fast to go, how slow to go... you get it. Well I think in life rather than be the back seat driver, I have always just decided that I am smart enough or wise enough that I will just drive myself thru life. I will gun it at 60 mph when things aren’t going my way b/c I don’t like this, this is uncomfortable and dang it I’ve been around this mountain too many times before and maybe, just maybe if we speed this time, we’ll get thru and be DONE. Well then of course when your’re going 60 in a 35 mph zone, you’re bound to hit a speed bump or get a ticket. crap. here we go again. God nudges me, asks me if I would like for him to drive, let me take a break, oh no God, I’ve got this, I’m a good driver. 
Then it starts to rain. Well I turn the windsheild wipers on. It’s ok, a little rain. THen it’s a thunderstorm. starting to sweat. hydroplaning  because I didn’t listen to HIM and get new tires when I should have. It’s getting dark out. Are those GOLF BALLS? oh no. just hail. ok, so I’m starting to re evaulate some my decision about this whole driving thing. Maybe I should have let God drive. Is it too late now? Can I pull over and ask him to drive now? Will I look like a fool? But if I don’t, I may be looking like road kill pretty soon. So I slow down. “God, You know how you asked me if you’d like it if you could drive, well I changed my mind” ok love, sure I’ll drive. 

Wow, just like that he gets in the driver’s seat and proceeds to drive. It’s still raining, and hailing, but My God, My savior is driving. We aren’t going crash. I don’t have to worry about being road kill. I may have some consquences to deal w/ because of my choices, but God will still be in the driver’s seat. And I will still be a back seat driver, throwing out my opinion and God will politely tell me that I need to stay focused. He does know what he’s doing. More hail may come, bigger hail may come, bigger storms. God never said those things wouldn’t happen. he did say he would be with us while we went thru them. so when I can’t see over the steering wheel or in my rear view mirror, it probably means I need to get out of the Driver’s seat.