Friday, August 26, 2011

WARNING!!COMPLAINING!!!WHINING!!!!

~Currently listening to Lenny Kravitz' "I want to fly away"


So...I'm going to complain and whine a bit, SO...if you are reading this and will judge me for it, leave now. Seriously.


I am tired. Physically, mentally, emotionally. This summer has taken so much out of me. Not only having the most traumatic personal experience I'll probably ever go through and dealing w/ the aftermath of that, but having this Chiari flare up and make things hell. I've been on so many different kinds of rescue meds, over the counter stuff..you name it. Now I'm on a steroid and hoping that this will help. It's only a 10 day thing so who the heck knows what I'll do after that. My nerves are shot, I'm exhausted. I honestly don't ever remember feeling this wore out in so many ways. Nothing seems to help..I just want to go somewhere and come back and feel refreshed. The thing about that is, this whole chiari thing is chronic. No end in sight. period. Just going back and forth w/ the Dr, meds, tests, and in between all that having headaches that LITERALLY feel like someone injected a mini jack hammer in my head, sometimes right behind my eye. Making me feel like I'm going to puke, dizzy and like I would just rather be in a coma. I just don't want to FEEL anything. Because in the last 6 weeks, nothing feels good. I realize that life cannot be based on emotion, or shouldn't be.  I have an AMAZING husband, who has been the only thing that has kept me going. He has prayed for me, encouraged me, loved me even when I felt dirty and worthless and unloveable. He is the one thing that has kept my head above water. I feel bad even complaining b/c I don't want him to think that his efforts to make everything better are all for not. I guess it's one of those things that I know I have to work through...but have I mentioned I'M TIRED of working thru so much shit???? really...I could do w/o the constant aray of crap that gets thrown my way. Now, I do realize how incredibly selfish that sounds  and everyone has their own crap to deal with. I'm just saying I'm tired of my crap. I think i'm entitled to whine and cry and kick my feet like a 2 yr old once in awhile. at least in my blog i can. In real life I have to be a mom, a wife, someone who can keep it together. It's hard to keep pretending that I have it together when really, I don't.  It feels like a giant effort just to get thru a day. So I think I'm done for now. Not much else to say.......