Monday, August 1, 2011

People say.....

People say that you could never imagine going thru"fill in the blank". Well I think I've gone thru quite a bit of the things I never imagined I would. And I am not even 35 yet.  People also say well you must be really strong. WRONG! God gives me strength. That is the ONLY way I would ever get through a single day let alone the things I face. Right now I guess I'm in the healing phase of what I went through. I shared my experience w/ most of my friends and families. Well not all the details obviously, but that is like thearpy for me. 
I never expected to go thru what I did. In the same respect, I didn't expect to have 2 children w/ disabilities, or that I  would be diagnosed w/ a chronic condition that I haven't even scratched the surface of figuring out what the next step for that is. 
Some days I'll be honest and just feel so mad at God. Like, really, all this wasn't enough? It seems as if we deal w/ so much and then add money worries on top of that, and all that crap. I just feel like it's never going to end. I know it will. I know God has a plan. I also know that it is ok to be angry w/ God. I will not sin in that anger, but I know I can feel it. I also know that so much happens b/c God has something planned for later on. 
I just have to keep swimming. Even when I don't want to. Thankfully, I have an AMAZING husband who often is life raft! 
Right now I'm still feeling a whirlwind of emotions. But I know I will keep going. God is carrying me when I can't go on. 
I have a confession. I know that I have a serious problem w/ comparing myself to other wives/mothers. I look at them and see how they are either thin and gorgeous, plus patient and kind and never seem to lose their cool. Or I see that they have a ton going on in their life yet they are plugging along working full time and what not and I tend to totally shut down when it all hits the fan. 
I never feel good enough. With some of the mistakes I have made I can't let go of the guilt. Or the shame. To be sexually assualted and not feel shame is probably normal. It doesn't make me feel any better though. 
I wish I could see myself thru someone else's eyes. Ok, let me rephrase that, thru someone who has a healthy outlook on life and can tell me honestly what they see. I know I'm on the verge, like tippy toe steps away from dealing w/ the big huge monster called my self esteem. To be continued..........