Tuesday, September 27, 2011


Today I had an MRI of my back. As I was in the tiny tunnel that seems to be made for an 8yr old, not a chubby 34 yr old woman....God began to speak to me. Through all the noise of the machine, I knew God was talking to me. I had been praying about well, EVERYTHING. I have felt for some time that I have NO emotion. THe well has run dry. I realized I have no passion in my life. Well God really showed me the WHY to that. For many many years, my emotions have always been either panic, fear, adrenaline..I don't need to go into all the details of all the situations the that have caused those emotions. THe point is If I wasn't feeling like things were hitting the fan I was trying to recoup from when it did hit the fan. So eventually I just shut down. It's so tiring and draining to be up and down all the time. And I finally got to the point that things hit me hard however since I have shut myself down when crap happens, it doesn't hit so hard, or so I think. 
Does all that make sense? I am wanting that passion back in my life. I want to want to do things. I want to act on the ideas I have and the things I know I could do but don't have the will or ambition or PASSION to do. I know I have not dealt with most of the hard things I have dealt with in recent years. So, I have taken one step towards getting that passion back. It's a baby step, but you have to start somewhere. I want to be strong and confident in who I am. That's my goal. 
I am getting a lot of answers regarding my health which I think that's going to take some getting used to. I have had headaches, neck and back pain for years. My mom has been on my tail for FOREVER to go in and get it checked. Well I didn't because I just had enough to deal with and didn't want to deal w/ my junk. Well now it's time. I'm not going to lie and say that it's all easy to accept. But I know that I'm not going to fight it, I'm going to take it all in and do what I need to do. Feel how I need to feel and however long it takes is how long it takes. Acceptance is a foreign concept to me.