Friday, September 2, 2011

Random thoughts...

I am still feeling like I am in the middle of the ocean just floating around. I can't seem to find my place of peace or joy. It's not because I'm not going to church, not b/c I'm not searching or trusting in God. I think it's just the crap we have to experience in life that just sucks. Bad things happen and it takes time to get thru them. It hurts and it sucks and you feel like junk for however long it takes to run it's course. 
There are some things that just aren't going to get better and you'll feel all good about again. At least not for awhile and sometimes things happen and you just find a new normal. It's a hard pill to swallow. You feel like you are floundering around looking for what used to make you feel good and secure, but it's not there anymore. Really though, for me I think it's an opportunity to challenge your faith. And like with any challenge, it's rough and doesn't always feel so hot. Eventually you get to where you need to be. 
I just am not there. yet.  I have realized a long time ago that my lot in life has never been normal. I fight it but to no avail. The fill in the blank "normal" answers have never fit for me. And when I try to make them fit, it makes me more frustrated. So the obvious question is, why do I keep trying? Well I am not. not anymore. I have to do things that work for me, that I feel God is leading me to do or not do and if it doesn't "seem" to be what the normal thing is. It doesn't always sit well w/ other people, or doesn't fit the "religious" mold or what have you. But honestly, I am more interested in finding my peace w/ God~ not anyone else. That has gotten me no where fast. Slowly but surely I am getting to the point of being ok w/ not being "normal". And right now, tonight, I am looking forward to next month when I will be in Florida. Darnell surprised me w/ a trip to visit Aaron and Meg and Coli. It's for our anniversary. He's the most selfless man alive. He wanted to give me a break. I wish I could do all the awesome things for him that he does for me. I pray that God will bless him abundantly. he most certainly deserves it.