crabby mood

I'm in a crabby mood tonight. I feel like I just want to lock myself in my room and not come out, for a LONG while. It has been one of those " I suck as a mom" nights and it's only 7:19 pm...This morning I went to Nikki's and spent some time w/ her and the girls. It's so fun to cuddle babies!!! Darnell is speaking at Eric's church tonight..I wish he could do that for a living. He would be awesome!!!

I am in a funk. I really need to get out of it. How do you pull yourself out? I sound like a broken record on this subject. But it's my blog. It's my outlet. Every day I want it to be better than the last, but it never is. I don't do all the things I want to do, all the things that will give me a feeling of satisfaction w/ myself to some degree. I know what I should be doing, and yet here I sit. On the computuer. I have been seriously considering taking a few days "off" of using the computer AND the TV. I know I would get a lot done. Although thinking about doing it and actually doing it are quite different, obviously. Darnell always is on the go..he has never ending energy. I feel like I don't carry my share of the weight...Well..I am going to quit whining.

Happy Birthday Darnell!!!!!!!!!!

Happy birthday to my awesome hubby!! He had to work today, but he had yesterday off and has tomorrow off. Tonight I made my first cheesecake. The cheesecake factory oreo cookie cheesecake factory. Hopefully it turns out! It has to sit for 24 hrs, so my family will have to wait till tmrw night to try it! LOL.... made stuffed manicotti for dinner. I think watching "Julie & Julia" is starting to wear off on me, LOL...

Carrot cake

My awesome sister in law took the kids overnight, well 3 out of 4, Jeremiah slept at Blair's. So It's been quiet in our house since 7pm last night...sooo weird~ Darnell's off today, It's Martin Luther King Jr day and it's a time warner holiday..I am made him a carrot cake from scratch. Last year when I made it I goofed and put 4 cups of oil in it...LOL.. I'll never ever live that down. EVER. haha..In my own defense, Isaiah was in the hospital and I was super stressed out! Got it right this year though! I love baking from scratch. It makes me feel like a real mom and housewife. Yes that sounds dumb, but I sometimes wish I had the energy and ways of keeping a home like women did years ago. Well I guess I don't have much else to say today!

Happy 11th Birthday Haley!!!

My baby girl is 11 today. I seriously can't believe it. Saying time flies is an understatement. To think back 11 years, where we were at then, how far we've come.. and everything in between! I was reading over the journal I kept when Haley had her big surgery in 2001....That seems like just yesterday. Now I look at Haley and am in complete awe of how far God has brought her!! Her birthday always brings back memories of how difficult that day was...on one hand it was one of the most wonderful days..I mean I gave birth to my oldest daughter, but the fear and anxiety of her medical condition at the time stole the joy of the day to some extent. However, I can look back and not feel anxiety anymore. I mean, really, how can I look at Haley NOW..and not feel so proud of her, so thankful for her life!

On another note, I have had a revelation of sorts. Not major to anyone else but me probably, but that's how it works right? Well, my revelation is..ready? Here it is.. I no longer feel guilty for not being able to do things, be places all the time. Sounds dumb right? well w/ Isaiah's issues, we literally have to take things one day at a time. At this stage in our lives, we have to make decisions based on (somtimes, not all the time) how Isaiah is doing. It's not always fun, not always fair, but it is what it is..I can't change it, can't make everyone understand, and So.. the big revelation is....I will do what I can do, when I can do it, and that's that. God knows my heart, he sees the situation we deal w/ and I have to say, our lives are never going to be "normal".. I don't know who sets the bar for "normal" , it for sure isn't us, LOL....I am completely content at home. I am praying 2010 is a bit easier for us. I thought this last week that Haley was going to possibly need surgery.. thank God we dodged that bullet, for now. So today is her birthday..it makes me sad in a way that she's getting older, yet seeing her mature and grow up is awesome. My kids are growing so fast, I sometimes miss the days when they were babies, but when it comes down to it, I can't turn back time and let's face it, I deal with life much better getting a full nights sleep and not chasing after a baby.. been there, done that. time to enjoy this phase.So.. today I am laying low.. Isaiah's on edge, so I plan to have a quiet day at home.

Girls night!

Tonight was an unexpected girls night w/ me and my girls! Jeremiah and Isaiah are at Joanie's, Darnell is knocked out on the couch.. I made choclate chip cookies. Then Savannah asked me if she could put lotion on my back and legs and arms. I couldn't say no and hurt her feelings, haha... Then we painted nails. Then Savannah snuggled up next to me and, following in her mother's footsteps, wanted to google people. LOL!!! I was supervising of course. It is sooo amazing how much kids know about the internet. scary thought! I really enjoyed spending some quality time w/ my girls. Didn't cost a penny, and the girls had fun! They are still at an age that they actually like me and want to spend time w/ me.. I need to take advantage of that more often..It's so funny to hear them talk to each other when they think no one can hear them, to ask them questions, like what they want to be when they grow up...At this point, Savannah has said she wants to be..."a nurse, Dr, lawyer, and a few other things, LOL" glad she's got ambition! Then I asked her when she wanted to get married and have kids. Her response was" well how old were you when you got married, I said 19.. she said well I want to get married then too. I said absolutely NOT! lol. Thankfully for Darnell and I were/ are very blessed that against all odds, we are still married, still in love.. however I HOPE my kids will choose to experience life, college, living on their own or w/ roommates, all that college age stuff. A mom can pray for that right? ! Well I can't keep my eyes open. It waa a good friday night!

random thoughts!

Happy Friday! Kids have early release today. Darnell's at the Dr. I was going to go w/him, but decided to stay home. I have a stomach ache.. not sure if it's from my meds I take in the morning or what..I watched the movie " Julie & Julia" last weekend, and I want to watch it again. It makes me want to cook/bake. I hope Darnell gets his W2's soon. I love tax season, lol... It's no secret that we live for our taxes, haha... not really, well sort of. I have soooo many things I want to buy. Some of it is just the necessary things but alot is not! I really want new clothes. But, I want to lose some weight first. Which leads me to the constant reminder that I need to start working out. I seriously have zero energy for that nonsense, lol! I did a little research I guess you would call it on anemia. The symtoms are all the things I've been feeling for months. My levels are still below normal, but are moving up. I showed Darnell what I read online, he said " I believe you when you say that being anemic makes you feel crappy" but for some reason I felt the need to show him, sort of justify why I have zero energy... he never ever makes me feel the need to explain myself, I just am that way I guess. It's like have a physical issue, plus dealing w/ depression and having to keep up w/ a family of 6 can be draining. I am extremely blessed to have a family that understands! I have a blessed life.

When did I become a grown up?

I am coming close to turning 33... wow.. where has the time gone? All of a sudden I will be doing something and it hits me, " I'm an adult, a wife, a mother" One might say, well "Duh.. you've been married for over 13 years and have 4 kids.. but you know that moment when you are doing somehting and become very aware of the fact that Oh man, I'm grown up!!! Today I got some good cleaning done, rooms cleaned.. I read a few chapters in the bible, spent less time on the computer and even played connect 4 w/ Isaiah! I felt like, in my mind, I met my wife/mommy requirements! Sad but true.. I have these goals in my head, ideas of how I want to be and today, for the firt time in awhile, I felt like I accomplished some of that today. Haley is doing much better. She visited Walden today. I REALLY pray she gets in! Last night I went to the mom's small group at KFA. It was really a breath of fresh air. Moving to a different church is not easy. I didn't think Jeremiah would go to youth group, but we asked him if he would be willing to at least try it. And he did, and he said he would go back. I didn't pressure him at all. We made it clear that he is still able to go to RAG for youth group. This was his decision. He's at a touchy age, I don't want to force him into anything, especially when it comes to church and his relationship w/ God. It's a crucial time in his life, so I know if we push too hard, we may compleltely push him out of wanting to go to church. If going to Crave is what he is more than welcome. So we'll see what God has in store for our family.

Darnell goes to the Dr tomorrow, thank God. He will talk to Dr. Durbin about D's acid reflux, possible sleep apnea, if and when he needs his throat dialated.. so I am glad he's going. Well I am signing off for the night, I somehow sprained or something, my left pointer finger.. Darnell told me to pull on it to pull it back out.. I told him he's crazy, lol.. either way, it's bugging me, I'm sleepy...good night!