Fight or Flight!

I'm getting close to my 35th bday and with that being said, I find that what I think and how I feel need to have their places. Some of that comes out in my blog and some doesn't. Lord knows I've dealt with enough adversity especially in the last year and I feel like I'm getting this "fighting"  spirit rise up in me. Not all the time, but when I think of things in my life that I want to change ~ I just am ready for it. I have a lot of emotion that gets in the way and that's something I have to fight thru as well. I just know that God has more for me, my family and I am excited to see what it is. And I'm going to fight for it which I guess sounds funny but I will. I know some days are better than others but I do believe I am on my way! 

Anxiety

Well I don't think it's a big secret that I deal w/ anxiety and depression. Lately it has really had a hold on me. The least little things are stressing me out, making me on edge and well just making me feel horrible. I have a few appointments this month and I am already feeling the anxiety of having to go to them. Why? I don't know. That's the hardest part. Explaining WHY I feel anxious about simple and ordinary things is darn near impossible. It sucks. It literally feels like someone is sucking the life out of me. I am the mother of 4 kids, one that has special needs and I NEED to be on top of what's going on w/ him. I am but I know that I could be doing so much more!!! 
To want to do things and then with everything in me feel like I just CAN'T is the most horrible, indescribable feeling. 
Then when I am feeling good, my mind races with all the things I am missing out on, all the things I want to do since I am feeling good at the moment. Of course that moment is ALWAYS at night. So by the morning, the worst part of the day for me those good feelings are long gone and replaced by feelings of anxiety and fear. 
I just am worn out from the war that rages within me. The feelings of guilt for not being the mom/wife I want to be or think I should be. 
I see other moms and just wish I could have it "together" like I think they do. Why is it so hard for me to do the things that I used to do and want to do? I am fighting the tears as I type because I am just so sick of crying and fighting this. 
I feel like a failure at just about everything, I realize this is not true but my mind tells me something different. 
I am not writing this to write a sad story~ this is just where I am at right now. I have faith and I pray and I just still feel  lost. 

Should be sleeping...

It's 12:36 a.m. Seriously, how am I EVER going to sleep normal? I'm convinced it's not going to happen. I slept all day. D was off and I just slept the whole dang day away. I am PATIENTLY waiting for some energy to flow thru my veins via the huge horse pills of Iron I take 3 times a day. They are all natural and need to start kicking things up a notch here pretty quick. 
I am so glad we went to Disney World. I am not so happy it took all of our tax return, however it was worth every single penny. I look back at the pictures and if I printed and framed every picture that is special, well my walls would be full. As a family, it was such a great time. And to go there w/ great friends, made it even better. D already has started saving for our next trip! We have those huge water jugs and we are doing our best to make sure every single penny,dime, nickel and quarter make it in there! 
Things w/ isaiah have been rough. It's time for some intense therapy I think. He may not like it, but I just can't sit back and watch him get worse. I don't know how he'll react, so I am just praying for a therapist that really can help him and us. 
Jeremiah has started weight training. His homeroom teacher is a football coach and asked him if he played football last year and he said no, well he got him started in weight training and he's going to play football this fall. I'm excited! It's going to be fun to see him play and I think really build his confidence. I need to find something for Isaiah too....not sure what though. To get all 4 kids involved w/ something, oh LORD, help me. 

I am ready for a change. I know that people say that we have to do something to start the change, but how exactly does one do that when you are stuck in depression? Where do you start?  I honestly need the Lord to guide me, show me, help me. I want to change, I want certain things to change and I just have a hard time seeing it come to fruition. I guess God is going to have to take the lead..

From Pintrest....

Walt Disney World!!!!!

We are back from Walt Disney World. It truly is a magical place! We had a  wonderful time and made lifetime memories. It was nice to come home, well sorta..haha. I DO NOT enjoy coming home to the weather. That is obviously no secret!  The weather was gorgeous the whole time we were there. I could get used to that! 
     I got a call from my dr.'s office while we there and I had had blood work before we left, well it turns out that my iron is so low that if it goes any lower I'll need a blood transfusion. I knew it was low, but not that low. It explains why physically I have felt HORRIBLE for the last few months. I have had NO energy or motivation to do anything. I deal w/ a lot of feelings of guilt because Darnell does so much around the house. He is quick to remind me that it is not because I am just being lazy or refusing not to do anything. I physically can't. I got a prescription for iron pills, but am considering getting some more natural iron pills. Something that won't tear my stomach up and all that. I am glad to know why I feel so crappy! 
Seeing the kids faces, hearing their laughter and excitement was priceless. I had a bit of a hard time keeping up, but Darnell was full of energy and made sure the kids got to do just about everything they wanted to do. I think we would need to stay a lot longer than a week for all 4 of them to hit every attraction. But we sure made a good dent in it! This trip was such a blessing. My mom was able to come w/ and share in the fun and memories. It's a trip we NEVER thought would happen for our family yet God had a different plan. It just goes to show that God does give you the desires of your heart. He is not just in the business of bailing us out of trouble or that kind of thing. 

My next goal is to lose this weight I have gained the last few months. Which right now seems like quite the mountain to climb seeings as I have the energy level of a rock. However, I fully believe as the iron pills start to work, I will regain some energy be able to focus on losing some weight! 

5 hrs till Disney!!!

5 hours until we leave for the airport. I CANNOT believe we are going to Disney world. This trip is something I NEVER thought would be possible. Now, it's right here! We are going to make memories to last a lifetime, spend time w/ our family and friends that is going to be priceless!!  I have to admit the amount of money this cost does scare me a bit, however every step we've taken has fallen into place, I know that God approves. My poverty mindset needs to GO! So that's what I'm doing. 
The kids are so excited they can hardly stand it. I am so thrilled to see that. Our family has been thru a lot. We deserve this! 
God has been so faithful thru this last year. There have been times that I have doubted him, and wondered what was the purpose in all we had dealt with. I still don't have all the answers but I'm am starting to be ok with it. I have to trust that God is going to give me answers as he sees fit, not as I see fit, no matter how big a fit I throw, lol.
I personally have a long ways to go, but I so far 2012 is off to a great start!!!!

New Year!

Well it's a new Year. I am praying for 2012 to be a year of change. So far things haven't started off personally too well. That big bad beast called depression has hit me hard. It's such a selfish disease and I need it to go away. I have found that "willing" it away doesn't work. 
So to my friends and family that may read this, if I seem like I am blowing you off or ignoring you etc.. please just bear with me. I'm working thru this. As hard as it is some days just to get myself to take a shower, it's even harder to get up and get going and try to have or look like I'm having a normal life. 
I'm working on this. I do NOT want to live like this. I don't want to feel like this. I feel horrible that my kids are seeing this in my, which is all the more reason for me to work hard at getting better. so that's 2012 for me. 

3 weeks we leave for Disney World! The kids are so excited they can hardly stand it! Going at the same time as the Pritikin's and the Dubinsky's is going to be a blast. And my mom coming w/... being able to share all the memories w/ us~ it's going to be priceless. This is something we never thought we'd do. I couldn't justify using our taxes for a trip like this. HOWEVER, you only live one time. Our kids are growing up so fast, They will remember this for their whole life. I Want them to have these memories, I want to have them w/ them. It's a blessing.