It's the last day of school!!!! Jeremiah is taking his last 2 finals today. He will be a sophomore! I took him yesterday to get his temps from the DMV! He passed the written test 2 weeks ago but had to wait till June 6th which is his half bday. Umm.. I don't remember getting this old that I have a kid that can actually, legally get behind the wheel even w/ an adult in the car. I mean ok so I'm going to be 35 on Sunday so I guess I'm old enough but man I don't know where the time went. Haley is an 8th grader and Savannah a 7th grader. They are beautiful fun loving girls and just seem to love life. I love that. 

See? Care free on the trampoline w/ their bestie Libby! I have to say on a day like today, it feels easy to raise our kids because they are happy, carefree GOOD kids. Sure we have our issues, not saying it's all easy and tomorrow I might feel 100 % different but we are so blessed. and even on the hard days I have to remember that! 

I have been have a GREAT time w/ my hanging flower pots and planting flowers. 10 years ago I think I vaguely remember my mom trying to get me to buy flowers etc.. and I just was like yeah whatever.. lol.. now I love all of it. Partially because we have a great porch for it plus it just is a fun hobby for the summer! 

blah blah blah..

WARNING~ I may do some complaining and ranting and all that... read at your own risk or run for the hills now! 


I am feeling extremely frustrated. We seem to have a laundry list of things we need and instead of it slowly getting shorter it's quickly getting longer. I am well aware that I am NOT the only mother/wife that feels this way, by far. I guess after awhile I just feel like I could use a break. And for my own sanity I am going to list the things that are at the forefront of my mind.. simply because I think for the simple fact of getting it out here, I just might sleep better tonight. For starters, our van is in SERIOUS need of a LOT of work. All of which we have NO funds to fix it. We have 2 lawn mowers in our yard that do not work and our yard is quickly starting to look like crap. And as a side note, I LOVE LOVE LOVE hanging flower plants, it fills my love tank and I have NONE for my porch this year. That is obviously something I don't NEED per say, just something that usually helps take the edge off feeling like crap about all the other stuff. 
I also have 4 kids that ALL need summer clothes of all kinds. Right down to undies and bras and socks and flip flops and a new bathing suit for my daughter. And I also have prescriptions that I need filled that are mucho expensive b/c we don't have insurance till August. I am waiting on the state insurance. 
with all that being said, I KNOW there are so many that are far worse off than me. People that don't have jobs, homes, vehicles etc....Lord knows we have been in worse situations that we are right now. I guess what it boils down to is that emotionally, this stuff gets to me. I have a relationship w/ God, I know he'll provide. I am just tired of seeing so many have their basic necessities met so easily and we struggle w/ them on a regular basis.and as I type this you want to know what runs thru my mind? if someone reads this, will they think Oh Melissa is just complaining again, she's just overeacting and could do this or that better and not be in the position she's in. Well you know what I have to say to that? And I promise I'll keep it clean.. walk a mile in my shoes, really, take a step into my world. Deal w/ all that i deal with and then we'll talk. 
I'm grasping at what little sanity I have left. lol. 
In light of all the negative stuff, I must share the good things. Isaiah has been out of pull ups for almost a month. We can safely say he has overcome that issue. It was a lengthy process and one that was very hard! However I give God all the Glory because it was a big deal for Isaiah!! Jeremiah is blossoming into a wonderful young man. He passed his temps test today. On June 6th, when he'll be 15 1/2 he can go to the DMV and get his official Temps and be able to drive w/ one of us. WOW... that doesn't seem real. I am so proud of him. He's been in weight lifting after school and he's going to be playing football in the fall. so he'll be at Horlick most of the summer between weight lifting and then Football stuff. I couldn't be prouder. 
So there you have it. The bad w/ some good. that's just how it is today. praying that some of the things on my list God will provide for. I know he will I just am being tested right now....

Beaten down but not destroyed!

It's been almost 2 weeks that Isaiah has been OUT of pull-ups! This is HUGE for him. I'm so proud of him and so thankful to the Lord for taking this issue from him. He's so much happier now that his bowels are not backed up and he's not in pain anymore! 


On a different note I have been feeling a bit, well ok VERY frustrated w/ the situation with our van. It needs a lot of work. We don't have the funds or the means( credit cards) to get it fixed. I feel like I did 10-12 years ago when we had the same issues.. not a good feeling. I know w/ all that is in me that God is in control, even in things such as our vehicle woes. I admit that I do not handle this particular stress well. at all. I get in the mindset that I want it fixed, all of it, YESTERDAY!! I don't have time to worry about this. Well, I realize that for whatever reason I have to deal w/ this. A lot of people look at car trouble and things similar things to be trivial. Well when you are living it, it's not trivial. So I am striving to learn from this. Rely on God. do not freak out. 
I guess the bottom line is I feel beaten down. This last year has just sucked the life out of me. I do not say that so I anyone will say, oh poor Melissa.. etc.. I say that because well, it's the truth.So when things like my van not working properly or my washer and dryer not cooperating.. those things feel huge to me. I want to handle these things w/ dignity and most of all in a way that honors God. I don't want to complain yet I want to be real. 
Forgive me if I am paraphrasing and possibly screwing up this verse.. but I feel like the verse that goes something like " I am beaten down but not destroyed..." So although in this season of my life when things feel oh so out of control...I may not be at my best but God is. I am not destroyed and I have hope. Not only hope in the every day things such as car trouble but in the big things such as where God will lead me next, how will he use me, how will he use my struggles and difficulties to some day encourage someone else. 
So that is all for tonight. 

BIG week!!!

We went to First Friday last night downtown. Haley and Savannah were apart of the Flash Mob for their school. They busted out in dance in Monument Square  to Michael Jackson's " Black & White" They've been practicing for weeks. It was so cool to see them dance! As much as I miss them being my "almost twins" little girls, seeing them now being a part of school activities and loving life is priceless!  


This week has been a MONUMENTAL week in our house. Isaiah has dealt w/ constipation at on a nuclear  level... He's been in pull ups~ until this week. This was /is part of the psychological issues he deals with. The Dr's have told us that he would start using the toilet when he was ready. We couldn't really do much about it. Well last weekend we had to pump him full of miralax because he was so backed up his poor little belly was rock solid, you could bounce a quarter off it. Well we told him if he could MAYBE try and sit on the toilet he could go to a movie. Well for whatever reason, that flipped the switch in his brain. Now, I'm telling you we have promised this kid everything but the dang moon to get him to sit on the toilet. Even before we went to Disney, that didn't do it. Now... just a movie oh and maybe a trip to Buffalo Wild Wings ( his fav place to eat). The next day he drags me to the bathroom and shows me that he went. Well I'll save the details, lol and let's just say he hasn't worn a pull up in 5 days! PRAISE GOD!! This truly is HUGE. My mom in law bought him new underwear that he proudly walks around in, just them, hehehe... 
I'm so proud of him. We saw our nurse practioner this week and she gave us some tips that are really aiding in the process and helping us w/ keeping him going. 

Monday Jeremiah starts Driver's Ed. He will get his temps in a month. OMG what happened to my baby???
He is now as tall as Darnell and oh so handsome just like his dad! he's in weight lifting and getting all muscle-y....haha. He's eating his weight in food because of all this growing he's doing...When I think that I have another son that will go thru this, oh lawd! I'm so proud of my boy. He may be MUCH taller than his mama, but he's still my boy. 


I've been stressed out but what else is new. Our van needs a bunch of crap fixed on it. That crap makes me nuts. I've been around this mountain before, I should know better than to let it get to me but dang it, I just wish things would go smoothly. We don't have the means to just bring the van in and put it on a credit card. I get so frustrated. I need to get my head in a better place. Because right now I'm not feeling positive about it and finding it hard to have faith. Don't get me wrong, I have faith.. I've seen God move plenty of times I guess he's just not moving as fast as I'd like him to. I know it's not my timing though. To be perfectly honest, I don't like being at the mercy of waiting on when things will fall into place. However I know that this is probably right where God wants me, like it or not. So.. I need to get my head straight. 


Well I am off to finish the laundry! 

New Church!

Yesterday we went to church and then in the evening went to a praise and worship night. I have hesitated to write about this, but I'm so excited about our new church that I just can't not talk about it. See, I spent my ENTIRE life at the same church. The last 5 years or so I have pretty much had one foot out the door. There were circumstances that caused me to not be able to attend church but in all honesty my heart was slowly detaching from that church, for various reasons. I didn't know what to do. Our kids loved going and I didn't and wasn't going to get in the way of that. So I would drop them off on Wednesday nights. However I wasn't going to church at all and I was starting to feel it, spiritually. And to go to a different church just felt wrong. I didn't even know how to go about it really especially since Darnell worked on Sunday mornings. I didn't want to go to a new place by myself w/ the kids. Well several months ago a friend of mine had suggested trying out "Great Lakes church" in Kenosha. I really wanted to go and check it out, but it must not have been the right time. So in March Darnell happened to have a sunday off and we decided to go and check it out. Well I knew IMMEDIATELY that was our new church. It just got better from there...Darnell got a new job that now he has Sunday's off. And to top it all off there's going to be a Racine campus of Great lakes Church starting in the fall. Darnell is going to be one of the youth directors....or whatever you wanna call it. I've gone to church for the last 6 weeks. I haven't gone to church that consistently in YEARS. 

I will be honest and say it was hard to actually be totally done at a church I grew up in, got baptized and married in. However I know God has a plan. This is about HIM and his will for our lives. I'm finding myself looking forward to church again and realizing that God sometimes has to change things up to get your attention. He's got mine! I love my new church but I love even more that God is working in my life. 

On another note, I seem to be on a headache spree...they just aren't quitting. They get better for a little while however it just doesn't go away. It's frustrating. It saps my energy. Physically I just feel like crap. 

All in all, I'm pumped about to see what God is going to do in our lives, in this all new chapter. 

Very Candid Post

Well life is slowly changing here in the Hoaglund household. As I am dealing w/ this what I  finally am calling it what it is... severe depression..I am realizing that I have a long way to go! Last week I began the beginning of my path to becoming a real survivor instead of victim. I started therapy. The real deal w/ a real Dr. We also are going to therapy for Isaiah.

He has seen that Dr. once, which ironically was an evening that he was raging...but right now Darnell and I are seeing the Dr and pretty much brainstorming and well, trying to figure out how to deal w/ Isaiah in the best way we can that will help Isaiah and help us. So lots of therapy going on over here. Some people don't want the world to know when they are seeing a "shrink" but for me, it's almost a must to let people know because I need to be held accountable. Because of this ugly depression I deal with~ I honestly would rather stay in bed and not have to go anywhere. I have a hard time, a lot of the time, going to appointments, going anywhere really. It's just easier to stay where I am comfortable. But I know there's so much more out there. God has a plan for me and I know that I need to fight for this.  

I want to get better not only for myself, but for my husband and kids. I am NO where near the kind of wife or mom I want to be for them. I realize that. So..I'm fighting. I know some days are going to be better than other. I also am dealing w/ this weight I have gained which weighs heavily on me( no pun intended, lol) I am working on me. Not easy, not fun. but worth it. I am worth it. I have to keep telling myself that. And if that is enough some days, my husband and kids are. 

NOT COMPLAINING!!!!

Spring is here! Thank GOD! We didn't have much of a winter and I am so ok with that. I have been thinking a lot about my blog and what I write and I am beginning to realize that I share a lot of how crappy I feel. So, today despite how I feel I will share some of the random things that are GOOD! 
Isaiah's IEP went well. his progress is awesome. If you compare where he is now to where he was 2 years ago, it's astounding. I'm so proud of him. He is making so much great head way. We now have 2 teenagers in the house. We always talked about this and I have to say, my teenagers are exceptions to the rule. We don't deal with the typical teenage crap from them. Savannah is 11 1/2 and taller than Haley. They are babysitting and loving life. All of my fears I had for Haley have been eased. She still faces different trials, bladder exstrophy doesn't go away. However right now she is doing fabulous and seeing how well adjusted she is does my heart good. Dealing w/ Isaiah's issues does tend to get overwhelming at times, but we are seeing a new therapist and I am hoping to learn some new techniques on how to handle his behavior. Jeremiah Haley and Savannah have become such awesome siblings to him, I truly believe it will make them more empathic people. The days that they play well together and laugh and giggle and still  have "sleepovers" in  the living room are days I can't take for granted. Especially in light of my depression issues I absolutely need to focus on these things. 
I love the relationship Darnell has w/ our kids. I've said it before and they just are getting the cream of the crop as far as daddy's go. No matter how tired he is, he still will play a video game w/ jeremiah, they will talk at night about sports and guy stuff. he connects w/ the girls, this pre-teen/teenage stuff has not gotten in the way of them bonding w/ him. And I love how Darnell connects w/ Isaiah..he absolutely does a fabulous job. I feel blessed to be a part of my family. 
And I think the thing that I really am most thankful for is my family accepting me when I am not at my best, when my emotions are running high, or when the migraines I get really get out of hand. They pull together and are here for me. And for the first time I will say "publicly" I am there for them. I can't be perfect, I can't be all things to everyone, but I am giving everything I can. I pray that God fills in the gap. well let me rephrase, I am thankful that God does fill in the gap. 
I pray that as we begin the spring season God will lift my mood and continue to help me dwell on the things he has blessed me with.