Feeling abandoned

God, are you there? Are you listening ?
Do you see what I am going thru?
I feel as if you are light years away...
These physical problems I have are consuming me, draining me, crippling me.
I keep waiting for something to change and the opposite happens- things get worse. I feel like every single aspect of our life is being tested.
Our vehicle, our finances- so much so that I can't even tell my son when he can get his hair cut. Our fridge & cupboards are barely thriving... The list goes on. How utterly embarrassing to admit all this. I see people who have it together & honestly I'm jealous. Jealousy has reared it's ugly head b/c if someone asked me if we wanted to do something that wasn't free, no matter how cheap it is- we'd have to decline. I am having awful dreams that I'm being judged for the Starbucks Darnell will buy me here & there when in reality that coulda been a haircut for my son.

So again I am wondering where is God in all this?
A lifetime of believing & trusting tells me he's here- but I'm not feeling his comforting touch or seeing his hand move. I feel abandoned.

Well I just spent over 8 hrs in the ER. I went in thinking I had a possible blood clot in my calf. They did blood work b/c 2 weeks when I was there my blood counts were low, right on the cusp of needing a transfusion. They sent me home. It was a little frustrating to say the least, especially since I've ft pretty awful these last 2 weeks. The nurse said normal levels are 11-12, today mine was 6.7. Well no wonder I felt like crap! Now I am home & and thankful for that , However I do wish I had a cook to make our meals because that seems to be the hardest area to cover!

It will be interesting to see when dr Pae will want to go ahead w/ my hysterectomy:/.

Lately life has been hard. Not your typical run of the mill every day "stuff". Situations that I really cannot share and choose to not to share for personal reasons. But that's not even the point, really. The point is we are left w/ our heads spinning and quite frankly my faith shaken. I have not lost my faith or given up on God, that would be just plain stupid but i'd be lying if I said I wasn't questioning God.  

~Disclaimer: Sensitive topics regarding uterus' will be talked about~

So I have had my period since June 4th. This is in every way just WRONG. REALLY.. just WRONG. I've never dealt w/ this and I'll tell you it sucks. I realize many women deal with this all the time. For me it has taken a toll on me physically because I'm anemic. My iron levels already were low. Throw almost a month of blood loss on top of that equals one very run down mama. So I go to the ER finally b/c when I called the Dr the nurse pretty much blew it off.. told me well if it becomes an on going problem to call. Well it is an ongoing problem, that's why I called to begin with. DUH! So I went to the ER because I knew they'd draw blood and I'd find out what my blood count and iron levels were etc... apparently my hemoglobin is 7.9. Right not the cusp of needing a transfusion. Now I don't normally go around asking for a blood transfusion however this time I did. To get my blood count up and my iron levels out of the toilet I'd rather be on the fast track. Coming home and taking my iron pills is fabulous except it takes FOREVER to really feel better. I am SURE there is more to it than that but from where I am sitting, I just want to feel better. I don't want to spend all summer feeling like crap. So I see my gyne on Friday and will discuss a possible hysterectomy. I'm done w/ this uterus. It served it's purpose and is of no further use to me. Now it's causing me trouble and I'd like to see it go now. 

I am just in a place that I feel like could use a break. I get it that we all do. When I look back to different times in my life I can honestly say there have been times when we were in much worse situations. But right NOW I'm struggling. With a lot of things and am just overwhelmed. I feel like all I do is complain and whine. I think all the time how I wish I was more positive etc... That kind of attitude does not come naturally to me like it does some. I've heard it said a MILLION time that you have to chose how you are going to handle things, the kind of attitude you will bring to the table. I'm telling you, I'm just not in a place that I am bringing my happy face and positive attitude to the table. I actually feel like I got the short chair and my forehead keeps banging against the damn table. 

Yes it could be worse. Yes others struggle w/ far worse than me. I get it. But today, right now, this is my struggle. it sucks, I hate it and I'm complaining and I really do want to have a better attitude. Today just isn't the day for it. It's not even 7 a.m and our stupid bed frame just broke. I'm sitting here on my laptop and it just fell. Our van is just barely surviving.  Oh, God knows the laundry list of needs we have. I know God is here. I just would like a break. 

It's the last day of school!!!! Jeremiah is taking his last 2 finals today. He will be a sophomore! I took him yesterday to get his temps from the DMV! He passed the written test 2 weeks ago but had to wait till June 6th which is his half bday. Umm.. I don't remember getting this old that I have a kid that can actually, legally get behind the wheel even w/ an adult in the car. I mean ok so I'm going to be 35 on Sunday so I guess I'm old enough but man I don't know where the time went. Haley is an 8th grader and Savannah a 7th grader. They are beautiful fun loving girls and just seem to love life. I love that. 

See? Care free on the trampoline w/ their bestie Libby! I have to say on a day like today, it feels easy to raise our kids because they are happy, carefree GOOD kids. Sure we have our issues, not saying it's all easy and tomorrow I might feel 100 % different but we are so blessed. and even on the hard days I have to remember that! 

I have been have a GREAT time w/ my hanging flower pots and planting flowers. 10 years ago I think I vaguely remember my mom trying to get me to buy flowers etc.. and I just was like yeah whatever.. lol.. now I love all of it. Partially because we have a great porch for it plus it just is a fun hobby for the summer! 

blah blah blah..

WARNING~ I may do some complaining and ranting and all that... read at your own risk or run for the hills now! 


I am feeling extremely frustrated. We seem to have a laundry list of things we need and instead of it slowly getting shorter it's quickly getting longer. I am well aware that I am NOT the only mother/wife that feels this way, by far. I guess after awhile I just feel like I could use a break. And for my own sanity I am going to list the things that are at the forefront of my mind.. simply because I think for the simple fact of getting it out here, I just might sleep better tonight. For starters, our van is in SERIOUS need of a LOT of work. All of which we have NO funds to fix it. We have 2 lawn mowers in our yard that do not work and our yard is quickly starting to look like crap. And as a side note, I LOVE LOVE LOVE hanging flower plants, it fills my love tank and I have NONE for my porch this year. That is obviously something I don't NEED per say, just something that usually helps take the edge off feeling like crap about all the other stuff. 
I also have 4 kids that ALL need summer clothes of all kinds. Right down to undies and bras and socks and flip flops and a new bathing suit for my daughter. And I also have prescriptions that I need filled that are mucho expensive b/c we don't have insurance till August. I am waiting on the state insurance. 
with all that being said, I KNOW there are so many that are far worse off than me. People that don't have jobs, homes, vehicles etc....Lord knows we have been in worse situations that we are right now. I guess what it boils down to is that emotionally, this stuff gets to me. I have a relationship w/ God, I know he'll provide. I am just tired of seeing so many have their basic necessities met so easily and we struggle w/ them on a regular basis.and as I type this you want to know what runs thru my mind? if someone reads this, will they think Oh Melissa is just complaining again, she's just overeacting and could do this or that better and not be in the position she's in. Well you know what I have to say to that? And I promise I'll keep it clean.. walk a mile in my shoes, really, take a step into my world. Deal w/ all that i deal with and then we'll talk. 
I'm grasping at what little sanity I have left. lol. 
In light of all the negative stuff, I must share the good things. Isaiah has been out of pull ups for almost a month. We can safely say he has overcome that issue. It was a lengthy process and one that was very hard! However I give God all the Glory because it was a big deal for Isaiah!! Jeremiah is blossoming into a wonderful young man. He passed his temps test today. On June 6th, when he'll be 15 1/2 he can go to the DMV and get his official Temps and be able to drive w/ one of us. WOW... that doesn't seem real. I am so proud of him. He's been in weight lifting after school and he's going to be playing football in the fall. so he'll be at Horlick most of the summer between weight lifting and then Football stuff. I couldn't be prouder. 
So there you have it. The bad w/ some good. that's just how it is today. praying that some of the things on my list God will provide for. I know he will I just am being tested right now....

Beaten down but not destroyed!

It's been almost 2 weeks that Isaiah has been OUT of pull-ups! This is HUGE for him. I'm so proud of him and so thankful to the Lord for taking this issue from him. He's so much happier now that his bowels are not backed up and he's not in pain anymore! 


On a different note I have been feeling a bit, well ok VERY frustrated w/ the situation with our van. It needs a lot of work. We don't have the funds or the means( credit cards) to get it fixed. I feel like I did 10-12 years ago when we had the same issues.. not a good feeling. I know w/ all that is in me that God is in control, even in things such as our vehicle woes. I admit that I do not handle this particular stress well. at all. I get in the mindset that I want it fixed, all of it, YESTERDAY!! I don't have time to worry about this. Well, I realize that for whatever reason I have to deal w/ this. A lot of people look at car trouble and things similar things to be trivial. Well when you are living it, it's not trivial. So I am striving to learn from this. Rely on God. do not freak out. 
I guess the bottom line is I feel beaten down. This last year has just sucked the life out of me. I do not say that so I anyone will say, oh poor Melissa.. etc.. I say that because well, it's the truth.So when things like my van not working properly or my washer and dryer not cooperating.. those things feel huge to me. I want to handle these things w/ dignity and most of all in a way that honors God. I don't want to complain yet I want to be real. 
Forgive me if I am paraphrasing and possibly screwing up this verse.. but I feel like the verse that goes something like " I am beaten down but not destroyed..." So although in this season of my life when things feel oh so out of control...I may not be at my best but God is. I am not destroyed and I have hope. Not only hope in the every day things such as car trouble but in the big things such as where God will lead me next, how will he use me, how will he use my struggles and difficulties to some day encourage someone else. 
So that is all for tonight. 

BIG week!!!

We went to First Friday last night downtown. Haley and Savannah were apart of the Flash Mob for their school. They busted out in dance in Monument Square  to Michael Jackson's " Black & White" They've been practicing for weeks. It was so cool to see them dance! As much as I miss them being my "almost twins" little girls, seeing them now being a part of school activities and loving life is priceless!  


This week has been a MONUMENTAL week in our house. Isaiah has dealt w/ constipation at on a nuclear  level... He's been in pull ups~ until this week. This was /is part of the psychological issues he deals with. The Dr's have told us that he would start using the toilet when he was ready. We couldn't really do much about it. Well last weekend we had to pump him full of miralax because he was so backed up his poor little belly was rock solid, you could bounce a quarter off it. Well we told him if he could MAYBE try and sit on the toilet he could go to a movie. Well for whatever reason, that flipped the switch in his brain. Now, I'm telling you we have promised this kid everything but the dang moon to get him to sit on the toilet. Even before we went to Disney, that didn't do it. Now... just a movie oh and maybe a trip to Buffalo Wild Wings ( his fav place to eat). The next day he drags me to the bathroom and shows me that he went. Well I'll save the details, lol and let's just say he hasn't worn a pull up in 5 days! PRAISE GOD!! This truly is HUGE. My mom in law bought him new underwear that he proudly walks around in, just them, hehehe... 
I'm so proud of him. We saw our nurse practioner this week and she gave us some tips that are really aiding in the process and helping us w/ keeping him going. 

Monday Jeremiah starts Driver's Ed. He will get his temps in a month. OMG what happened to my baby???
He is now as tall as Darnell and oh so handsome just like his dad! he's in weight lifting and getting all muscle-y....haha. He's eating his weight in food because of all this growing he's doing...When I think that I have another son that will go thru this, oh lawd! I'm so proud of my boy. He may be MUCH taller than his mama, but he's still my boy. 


I've been stressed out but what else is new. Our van needs a bunch of crap fixed on it. That crap makes me nuts. I've been around this mountain before, I should know better than to let it get to me but dang it, I just wish things would go smoothly. We don't have the means to just bring the van in and put it on a credit card. I get so frustrated. I need to get my head in a better place. Because right now I'm not feeling positive about it and finding it hard to have faith. Don't get me wrong, I have faith.. I've seen God move plenty of times I guess he's just not moving as fast as I'd like him to. I know it's not my timing though. To be perfectly honest, I don't like being at the mercy of waiting on when things will fall into place. However I know that this is probably right where God wants me, like it or not. So.. I need to get my head straight. 


Well I am off to finish the laundry!