Parenting

I have been thinking about our parenting style. Up to this point, I feel as if we have a pretty good grip on this whole parenting thing. Our kids are great kids, they are respectful and kind and compassionate and the kind of kids I am proud of. I am however starting to think about how to parent teenagers. Oh that stings a bit just to type, lol. We are heading into uncharted territory and there is so much out there that we can't protect them from. That part doesn't freak me out too much. Mostly because I feel like they have a stable enough home life that the world out there, although scary, they have their home as a safe haven. 
My goal is to be the kind of mom that parents w/ a purpose. I don't want to just wing it. There are some things that you just wing it because there aren't books or blogs or whatever to guide you through. I do want to have something to refer to. I do believe a lot of what I think we should refer to is the Bible. I just need to find some practical ways to do so. I want to find some decent bible studies to do with the kids. Isaiah is currently scheduled to go to a different school this year and I am praying I can get it straightened out. If not, I'm not sure what to do. A teeny tiny small part of me considered home school. But I feel like I'd be short changing him. I want him to get the best education and help him to overcome the obstacles he faces academically. 
Raising kids that are going to be productive and responsible, kind, compassionate is a tall order. I am thankful to have a fabulous partner to do this with. What I lack Darnell fill is the gap and vice versa. I pray that we will be able to raise our kids w/ the Godly principles that they can take with them into adulthood. 

3 days post-op

I have made it to the other side of surgery, haha. Surgery went well, pretty normal I guess for a hysterectomy according to my Dr.
 I woke up feeling panicky. I kept telling the nurse that I was having a panic attack and she kept telling me I wasn't. I guess since my BP was normal, I technically wasn't having one, but it sure FELT like I was. I wanted Darnell and that was why I was so upset! I spent the night and they gave me some decent pain meds. All in all, it went fine. The pain isn't bad unless I move around. 

The emotional side of this is quite different. I suppose since they took out a huge organ that plays a big part in women and their emotions...well they left the ovaries but still. They messed w/ stuff. Just stands to reason that my emotions are a bit screwed up right now. I am missing my kids being little, I am missing the "early" years.. I have blogged about all this before. Tonight I'm just feeling it all only...a little more intensely. 
My kids have been exceptionally awesome this week! Jeremiah and Haley have been home the most and they have been so helpful and so loving. I just couldn't ask for better kids. Savannah and Isaiah just home today, they both were gone, separately but came home today. I will admit it may be challenging next week w/ Isaiah. But it was good that he was gone the first 2 days I was home.. I couldn't have really dealt w/ the "I'm bored" all day..
The weather is gorgeous.. so nice to have some cool temps. So I warned the kids that they will be spending more time outside from now till school starts. It's not blazing hot so there's no reason they can't be out enjoying the gorgeous weather! 
Darnell got his CDL (commercial drivers license). I know he's so relieved to finally be done w/ it and have it. Hopefully now he'll get his own route at work. He's worked hard and I am trusting that things will start to get a little easier. Some days I really have to remind myself why I don't work. I always think, well if I get a job, money won't be so tight. Well I will say that I know without a doubt that God has showed Darnell and I that my "job" is to be at home. With 4 kids and 2 with disabilities it's important that I be home. For Haley, bladder exstrophy doesn't slow her down and for the most part she doesn't have hardly any issues. isaiah, well every day brings something new and I just can't predict how things will go. He's already stating that he does not want to go to school. I am praying that we can help improve his attitude before school starts. Not every mom is meant to be a stay at home mom or is meant to work. We just know that for us, this is what works. It's not always easy, but that's not the point. I eventually want to go back to school, I just am unsure of it all. I just feel like I can't wrap my mind around it right now. I guess time will tell. Right now I just want to be here for my kids. I struggle with feeling like I'm doing enough, being a good enough mom etc.. I know that I need to start reading more in the Bible about my worth in God's eyes. Who I am and how "good" I am is not based on how I feel. I know what the Bible says about me, how God feels about me. I just need to start truly believing it. 

6 days and counting!

6 more days and I go in for my hysterectomy. I had my pre-op appointments yesterday and today. 

I'm happy that I am having it done. This summer has been hell on my body. I still feel like I'm recovering just from being so worn out before I had the blood transfusion and my blood count is still not normal, but it's good enough to have surgery. 

I am having some mixed feelings, like I'm THRILLED that I won't have a period anymore. I certainly will not miss that! However I feel like where did the time go that I have 4 kids, my youngest will be 9 in 17 days! The days of pregnancy and having babies/toddlers are long gone. Some days I miss it terribly. I miss cuddling and all that comes w/ having little ones. However I do enjoy the new phases that the kids are in now. It's just so hard to believe that I'm 35. Seems like just yesterday I was 21 w/ 3 babies! Of course at the time that seemed crazy but looking back, I miss those days! 

my faith in the Lord is stronger and I know that the struggles we have dealt w/ will not last forever. Even though it seems like sometimes. I know God will never leave me or forsake me. I am hanging on to that.

Naturally optimistic? Not so much...

You know those people who post on FB at like 5 a.m. that they're up & at 'em ... Exercising, cleaning . You know being all productive and stuff... Well if you know me at ALL you'll know that I am the furthest thing from that. I have been taking D to work at 5 am and when he wakes me up, my first response is not "Good Morning my love" it's more along the lines of ...seriously , waking up this early is nothing but bull shit! Of course I will do it b/c my hard working hubby works his ass off. It's just w/ me being sickits really hard for me to get up that early. Some friends gave us a bike but w/ the extreme heat there's no way he can ride a bike.
Anyway these naturally bubbly people make me want to smack them. No offense to anyone who reads this & you happen to be part of this clearly crazed type of person. And of course at the root of all this is just jealous y that I do not possess an ounce of this type of personality!
So I'm am trying to work w/ what I've got. With the crappy things going on in life right now I need a new attitude.
I plead with God to bring about change, to provide a way for our van to be fixed.
With the Colorado shootings, I have taken a step back. Realized that I've got more blessings than problems.
So- I'm a major work in progress. Ever changing, making changes . Making mistakes. Hanging on to the Hope that God gives me.
I can't feel guilty for being sick, for feeling awful or not being able to keep up w/ things. It just is what it is right now. D and the kids have supported me thru all this and I am truly blessed.
Now I'm rambling... Time to be done!!!

18 years

So... Slightly, very embarrassed about my last post. I tend to blog at night & then the next day I wonder where I got the courage to post what I wrote. It's almost midnight . July 16th. Every year until last year that signified the anniversary of when Darnell & started dating. It still does. We have officially been together for 18 years. Wow, what an amazing ride it's been! I look forward to many more.
Last year things changed. A son of a bitch bastard took advantage of me. It changed me. It took something from me, that I'll never get back. The depression I've been in, the rut... Has just sucked the life out of me. I have questioned everything I've always believed.
However... In spite of it all I'm working my way back. I know God is with me. July 16th will always be Darnell & my day. No one can take that. I made a decision not to let it.
I won't lie and say it's an easy decision but it's one I've made and have to work at. I've got an awesome husband to support me as well as great friends & family.

Feeling abandoned

God, are you there? Are you listening ?
Do you see what I am going thru?
I feel as if you are light years away...
These physical problems I have are consuming me, draining me, crippling me.
I keep waiting for something to change and the opposite happens- things get worse. I feel like every single aspect of our life is being tested.
Our vehicle, our finances- so much so that I can't even tell my son when he can get his hair cut. Our fridge & cupboards are barely thriving... The list goes on. How utterly embarrassing to admit all this. I see people who have it together & honestly I'm jealous. Jealousy has reared it's ugly head b/c if someone asked me if we wanted to do something that wasn't free, no matter how cheap it is- we'd have to decline. I am having awful dreams that I'm being judged for the Starbucks Darnell will buy me here & there when in reality that coulda been a haircut for my son.

So again I am wondering where is God in all this?
A lifetime of believing & trusting tells me he's here- but I'm not feeling his comforting touch or seeing his hand move. I feel abandoned.

Well I just spent over 8 hrs in the ER. I went in thinking I had a possible blood clot in my calf. They did blood work b/c 2 weeks when I was there my blood counts were low, right on the cusp of needing a transfusion. They sent me home. It was a little frustrating to say the least, especially since I've ft pretty awful these last 2 weeks. The nurse said normal levels are 11-12, today mine was 6.7. Well no wonder I felt like crap! Now I am home & and thankful for that , However I do wish I had a cook to make our meals because that seems to be the hardest area to cover!

It will be interesting to see when dr Pae will want to go ahead w/ my hysterectomy:/.