Saturday, October 8, 2011

It's time for Healing

I'm in Florida!! I can't believe I'm still awake! I got up before 5 a.m to go to the airport. It was overcast a bit rainy here today, hot and humid. I still can't believe I'm here~ AGAIN! I'm so thankful for a husband who sees when I need a break and does everything in his power to give it to me. I mean let's be real, I've been a mess these last few months. Whether it's emotionally, mentally, physically, you name it. So much has gone on in such a short time. I was feeling frustrated and overwhelmed and like I just needed an out. Not for forever, just a break. Darnell saw that~ before I even did. I always thought when people said that they needed "their space" it was such a cliche, a cop out. Well I stand corrected. Regardless of how well meaning anyone has been, I feel like I've just wanted to be like a turtle and stay in my shell. I don't exactly know how healthy that is, but it's how I feel. It's not that I don't love my family any less, that I don't want to be there for them, I just Can't be. and that's hard to say. to admit. I'm the mom. Mom's are supposed to be able to suck it all up and be there for your family. I am learning that I have put too much pressure on myself. I will be up front and real ( like I always am), I got diagnosed w/ Chiari in April, I have had migraines and chronic headaches for months, I was raped in July and then my health got even worse. I feel like whatever could be thrown at me~ was.It's hard to be there for anyone right now b/c I can barely pick myself up. However, I don't want to be that victim. That person who sits and stews in my mess of circumstances. I didn't create them. I didn't do anything wrong. I know I need time to process things and deal with it all, but I don't want it to all become a handicap. 
I have a family that needs me. And I need them. So I am praying for God's restoration. For healing and direction. Ok so I've got some issues, I'll deal with them. but I don't want to be depressed anymore. I don't want my life to pass me by. I feel God tugging at my heart, I feel like he's starting a good thing in our life. something new and different. I don't know what..yet. but I won't find out, I will hinder that process if I allow myself to stay stuck in the crappy circumstances I have. 
Darell gives me Hope. I truly believe God just fills him up with so much hope and positivity that it's wearing off on me! THANK YOU JESUS! I am praying again depression and oppression and financial issues. God wants to bless us. He wants to open the flood gates and bless us because we are his children and he loves us. I welcome that, I invite that in and all the yuck can just leave now. 
If anyone reads this and is a pray warrior and you feel led, please pray that God would deliver me from depression. I don't want to take meds anymore. I want healing. I am ready for healing. And I pray a blessing over my family. they are my life, my everything. I am so blessed.