Thursday, October 13, 2011

Oh bother......

The leaves are changing, well a lot of them have already fallen. I'm home from Florida. I really like it there. I can't wait to go back for our vacation. I was hoping my getaway would help me feel refreshed and it did to some extent. However I started my freaking period the day I came home, our 15 year wedding anniversary! So I have horrible cramps and am extremely bitchy. 
I wish I could go to some sort of retreat or place that you can talk w/ christian people that will help you, guide you thru hard things. I don't want the religious answers like" You just need to pray more" Oh well, jeez, I hadn't thought of that! I don't mean to be cynical , but really, I've been in church my whole life. I know all the "right things" to do. Well guess what ? sometimes they don't work. You have to think outside the box. God doesn't do everything the same for everyone. Healing comes in all sorts of ways and I am still searching for and praying for God's healing for me. Honestly, I'm tired of christianity being measured by how often you are at church or how often you miss. Or if you are involved in a bunch of stuff or etc...There were many years that I was involved.. My life right now doesn't allow for me to be involved. I'm tired of feeling guilty about it. If I am struggling and I am dealing w/ a crap load of issues and have nothing to give, there's no way I am about to attempt to try and give something to someone else. Ok so I'll get off my soap box about that one. I'm tired of the religious spirit. enough said. 
when I was in Florida I was prayed over and MAN I know God was talking to me. I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that change is coming. It's time. we've been chasing our tails it seems for so long and getting no where. I'll tell you what, that's no fun and definitely not what God intended for us. I have realized that I am a daughter of the King. He wants to bless me. He wants to bless my family. He doesn't move. We need to move closer to him. And I have become aware that in some ways I have come closer to him and in some ways gotten farther away. I am slowly, at a snails pace, getting to the point that I need to block out what EVERYONE else says, thinks, or even what I think someone thinks about me and follow God. It doesn't have to make sense to anyone else. 
I trust God. I have faith. I'll be completely honest and say that my faith and trust have been tested and are weak at this point. But God knows that. He knows why. But it says if we have the faith of a mustard seed God can move mountains. well I have lots of mountains I need moved outta my way! lol. One of them being my own sour and negative attitude. That's probably the first and biggest ones. So that's at the top of my prayer list. 
I'm done. I'm starting to babble which is my cue to sign off!