Flashbacks, Children's Hospital..etc...

So today was like a flashback of my life 9-11 years ago. Call Children's, wait for them to call back, wait some more, tey call back and say get up here ASAP. Then I start the frenzy of calling Darnell, the grandma's, babysitters, the usual. So Darnell comes home from work and off we go. Haley's pain in her left side, I thought it was her hip bone but it's actually the pelvic bone. On the Xray ( which I took a picture of w/ my Iphone) On the Xray you can see "something" where her pain is. It's obvious and it's not on the other side of her pelvis. So tomorrow the orthopedic surgeon will look at her Xrays and we will see what he says. I also am asking the Physican's assistant to have him check the gap between her pelvic bones. due to the nature of Bladder exstophy, it's normal for Haley to have a gap, however I have heard of other kids having to have revisions of their pelvic surgeries because even after bringing the bones back together sometimes they spread too far apart as they get older. I have a pretty good feeling that Dr. Thometz will say it's fine, but I am glad we brought her in. Tonight her pain level was at a 5. She is a tough cookie and I told her tonight that I want her to be honest about her pain. She doesn't always have to be strong. Because if we don't know how she's feeling, really feeling, we can't help her.
Going to Children's brings back a flood of memories. Yes, Haley is for the most part fine, and she's almost 11, but I will not lie and pretend that being at Children's, 6 days before her birthday, smelling the smells, being there, just brings back alot of memories. I do have to say, thru the years and with the bad memories come alot of good ones too. Memories of all our friends and family that have supported us, prayed for us, took care of our kids, made us meals, I could go on forever.. the point is..God has truly blessed us. In spite of the fact that we have 2 children w/ disabilities, God has blessed us in incredible ways. So when I whine or complain, I am not forgetting what God has done nor am I unaware of what God has for us, good things. But as a human, as a mom, I have not had the easiest year or two.. I'm still recovering if you will from this last year w/ Isaiah, while still dealing w/ his continous issues. So.. I am a work in progress. I am a wife/mom/follower of God who is *gasp* and brace yourself, depressed. Working hard to pull myself out of the pit of depression. I will be quite honest to say it's hard to do that when things keep getting thrown at me. What goes thru my head? "just roll w/ it Melissa, this is life, this is parenthood...blah blah blah.." or "suck it up...shake it off...Well, I'm working on it! God is working on me. In his time, I will come thru this and I am trying not to wallow and fall into self pity although I know I tend to fall into that. again...a work in progress. I HAVE to get a handle on all this, I have 2 kids that have chronic issues and 2 other kids that have siblings w/ chronic issues..thankfully I have a husband who is completely at my side, working just as hard to do the best we can with our kids. Darnell & My mom have been sooo supportive and understanding and doing what they can to help me, guide me, listen to me.. as well as my great friends. I am blessed. Tomorrow I will update about Haley. Hopefully I can sleep tonight.. even w/ good sleepy meds, when I'm this stressed out I have a hard time staying asleep!

Times are a changin'

Well I went to Kenosha first Assembly of God this morning. I haven't been to our church in months. I knew it was time for a change. I've known for a long time. Making a move on the other hand has been hard, especially with this last year being so rough. I have a tendency to feel the need to explain myself to everyone and want everyone to be happy with me. Well...I need to get over it. Yesterday I clearly heard the Lord telling me that today(Sunday) we needed to go to KFA.(Kenosha First Assembly). I was excited, because feel like I finally felt God release me to go. That might not make sense to some, but it does to me, lol! And the sermon was about commitment. I wasn't commited to going to churc at all this last year. I will admit that, but I also will say I had valid reasons that I have blogged about before and won't go into it again. Now, I am trying to move forward. It's a huge step. But it's exciting! I left church feeling great! I felt like God was saying " good job!" cheesy I know.. I now am praying that this transition is smooth for the kids. I think the girls will be fine, they met their new Stars teacher and are excited to go on Wed. I didn't bring Isaiah for our first time b/c I wanted to get my bearings, and make sure this was going to be a permanent move. And it is. Sooo...I am going to attempt to bring Isaiah on Wednesday night. Bringing him to church is difficult, one minute he's fine, the next he's not. So.. I am a bit nervous. But I am praying it will go well. There's a class on Wed. nights that I am excited about going to for moms. Change is hard.. Jeremiah wants to stay at RAG for Crave on Wednesday nights which I think will be good. He's being ministered to, and he's at that age where I don't want to force that change on him unless Darnell and I really feel like it's needed. So...New Year, New Church, we'll see what else God has for us!

Answered Prayer!!!

Yesterday at some point, can't exactly remember when, I prayed that God would provide for us. I wasn't freaking out, just said a prayer. WELL....today, I get the mail and see something from AT&T payroll dept. well when I got my Iphone last January we had to put a rather large downpayment down. In an effort to be completely honest, our credit was/is crap so we had to put money down. However, if you pay your bill for an entire year on time w/ not getting your service cut off, you get that deposit back. Well we got it back today. Totally unexpected! It was awesome!!! We went to Walmart and got groceries & all that good stuff. I got an electric blanket. SOO excited about that! Then tonight I watched " Julie & Julia" Good movie. I like how Julie's whole thing is about blogging. Which of course I like doing! In my blog I will not be blogging about meals I make, it's about my life, as a 30 something wife/mother/woman who is just trying to figure this life out and make it out alive! Some days I am positive, others I am a whiner and cussing and well just letting it all out. That's the point. For me it is. I don't want to be fake. So my blog pretty much is what your read is really what you get from me. Watching that movie sparked a thought in my little brain, Julie set a deadline to finish her blog about baking Julia Child's recipes in 1 year. I need to do something like that, but different.. I need to do something and set a goal. I need to feel accomplished at SOMETHING! I at times, lots of times, feel like a not so hot wife/mom...THese last few years have honestly taken a lot of "me" out of me. Does that make sense? I use to cook and bake all the time.. I just know I used to be someone different. I feel like that anyways.. I guess as you get older, our kids are getting older and the dynamics have changed, so maybe that's why I feel so....weird. However I am feeling better. My iron level went from 14 to 25. The normal levels are 30 -110, so I'm still low and had to up my iron and I feel like at a snails pace am getting some energy back. That's hard when it's winter in WI! I'm home all day, every day..I need to find something that I can do for myself, finish it and give me that feeling satisifying feelng. After 13 years of doing laundry and cleaning, that isn't cutting it anymore. Partially because I no sooner clean up the mess & someone behind me is making another one.. I am *thinking* about starting w/ my attic, moving thru every room in the house and doing a complete deep cleaning, de cluttering,. That of course doesn't sound fun, but honestly it will give me a good feeling that I am doing a good job as a housewife. We'll see, I need to pray about it.
Tomorrow, I am stepping into the unknown. Going to a different church on a Sunday morning for the first time. I am leaving Isaiah w/ Joanie. I feel sad that I can't bring him, but I need to scope this out, check out the church, see if it's something we are going to commit to and then ease Isaiah into it. It's in Kenosha and he does not do well in the van for very long. I am realizing how many changes we have to make because Isaiah can't handle the ebb & flow of life. That makes me sad. I know, I pray he will be able to someday, but for now, I finally feel God directing me in a different direction. I have no idea where it will take us, so we'll take it one step at a time. So.. I guess I had a lot in my head tonight..Good to get it all out!

Feeling Good!

Well, yesterday I had the mother of all migraines. My aunt brought me some meds that make it bettter, lol.. Thank God. When I woke up this morning I felt it start again, so I took another dose of the meds and took a nap, woke up and all was good. It's snowing like crazy. We kept the kids home b/c we thought it was going to be really bad, it wasn't as bad as they predicted though. Darnell took the kids sledding. He made meatball bombers for dinner and I made homemade chocolate chip cookies. I am in a really good mood tonight. Even though, honestly, we barely have a penny in the bank, I am happy. Of course I would like to have $$, but I have found thru the years that this is part of raising a family. There's probably a small population of people, at least that I know of, that have 'IT' all together. This is what life is about, the ups and downs and how we deal with them. God always provides. ALWAYS!!! So I know we'll have food and gas and all that...I'm happy also because I am sooo thankful for my husband. Darnell is amazing. After all these years he still loves me. And I love him. I was looking at our kids and just can't get over how breathtaking they are. God is soo good to us. I am going to go enjoy the rest of my night in my cozy warm home!!

God is GOOD!

Today was a good day. I vegged out all day pretty much, then we went to our friends', Mickey & Sarah's house for dinner and to hang out. Jeremiah babysat. That sounds so weird, lol...Last night I was driving and I a lot of times when I'm alone in the van I turn the radio and just talk to God. ne night, I even just screamed at the top of my lungs, complaining, yelling the whole 9 yards. At first I felt like " oh my goodness, am I out of line w/ God?" Then it occured to me, God already knows what I am thinking, and after all, he is God. He can handle what I can dish out. I just needed to get so much off my chest. So I did. And boy did it feel good. And I didn't feel bad. He knows my heart. So last night I was driving and talking to God. Praying really, that for 2010 would be better. Asking God for his leading, his guidance..etc. I also prayed specifically about our house situation. We have a land contract, we really really really want to buy it. However there are some roadblocks. mainly our credit. Well tonight while hanging out w/ some friends they gave us some tips about what they did that helped them buy their house. It just felt like, last night I prayed that God would open doors. I feel like he did that tonight. Isn't that cool? And it all comes down to trusting that God has our best interest at heart. He sees the full picture. I tend to forget to look outside the box. With some effort I intend to change that. I mean really, my entire adult life is a testimony. We've had ups and downs that most people never deal with. I won't lie and say that many times I really just was fed up. Why, really, seriously, why God did you pick US to have 2 disabled children? Well why not? God must trust us w/ our kids...a whole lot! People have said that to us and I thought they were just saying that to make me feel better. But, I am seeing the truth in that. God handpicked our children for us to parent. WOW! What an honor. Yes we have some difficult circumstances, however God is paving the way. So, instead of fighting it, it really is much easier to accept and live our lives. Now don't get me wrong, there are days where I have meltdowns, blowups, whatever. But, hey I am human. So for once in a long time I don't feel as overwhelmed as I have in recent months. Praise God. I serve a good, merciful, graceful God who loves me just as I am, where I am at and knows where my heart is at. I need to keep reminding myself that. I am going out on a huge limb here and addressing the fact that I have not gone to Sunday church in months. I am sure there are plenty of people w/ their opinions and can't even imagine what is being said about me. But honestly, God is not convicting me. So I refuse to let what others may think make me feel guilty. No one is dealing w/ the same issues I do. And I don't need to explain it all out just to make myself feel less guilty about not going to chruch. I haven't left God. It's about a relationship w/ him, that I still have. For a little while I was sorta doing my own thing, figured out real quick that that is not what I want for my life. Right now, as a family, Darnell works Sundays, so he can't go to church. As for me and the kids, we don't go. There, I said it. I did not get struck by lightning, I did not lose my relationship w/ the Lord. For our family this is the season we are in. So whether or not someone agrees, I really need to focus on my family first. If you don't agree, I am sorry for the person that can't respect decisions we make. I have gone to church my entire life. I am tired of living in guilt over EVERYTHING! God has NOT convicted me. So..that has been a very rough issue for me, however God has released me from the expectations of the world. It's me and Him. I answer to him. My kids are not going to be heathens. I guess I have rambled on long enough on this subject. Now that I have opened that can of worms, I'm sure there will be more to come. I know God will open doors, show me the ay. Until then, I will follow his lead. God is good. He provides for our family, blesses us beyond measure, even though we don't deserve it. So I am at peace w/ my life, for the most part. again, I am a work in progress. I'm so thankful God doesn't give up on us.

2nd blog of the day

Well I guess I have more to say or rather more that I would like to blog about...stuff that's been rolling around in my head. I feel like I'm starting to turn a corner. This last year, well was hell. It left me VERY..well unstable. I felt like I couldn't function. Taking a shower seemed to be difficult. I just didn't want to be a part of the land of the living. Living seemed too hard. Some days it still does. However, I feel like things are going to get better. The last few months w/ Isaiah not being in school, we have had our days together. Just me & him. At first I thought, WOW, I can do alot, go to the library ( which I only did once) visit w/ good friends( Nikki & the girls), keep my house organized..the list goes on. What ended up happening is that I felt like I had only enough energy to do the necessary things.. then Isaiah and I would come home and literally nap every single day. At first I thought jeez Melissa you are such a lazy blah blah blah..lol.. then really I felt like God gave me that time to rest. It wasn't an accident that Isaiah and I were home and we both needed to rest after the hard months we both went thru. God knew I needed that rest. Then I started noticing that Isaiah's attitude towards me was changing, he was more cuddly, more loving, the bond was forming again. Praise God. I felt like even though my son has these issues, I at least have a better relationship with him.
I also am having a hard time (kinda) w/ this whole having a teenager thing. I am missing my kids being little SOOO badly. Then I read in a blog about cherishing each stage your child is in. If I spend all my time missing what used to be, I am going to miss what is happening now. It just feels weird to be 32 and have 4 school age children. I feel a little displaced. I know someday I will be a RN. God has definately given me peace about that, and about not having my own agenda about when I will finsih school. Having schoolaged children does not automatically mean I can go to work and all that. I really thought once Isaiah started school, I'd finish school and get myself on the road to becoming an RN. What I didn't expect was for Isaiah to have all the issues he's had w/ school, not being able to go to school and now his Dr telling me to seriously consider homeschool. That all threw me for a huge loop. I have to accept this and honestly, now that I have, I have peace. I am glad I am home for my kids. If they are sick, I can be home w/ them. I am feeling blessed. I know I have a long ways to go in dealing w/ depression, but I'm trusting God. Darnell has been awesome! On his days off, he lets me sleep, he encourages me to get out and about but doesn't push. Darnell is the exception to all the rules...I feel like God has given me an extraordinary husband. I won't lie and say that I don't still deal w/ issues about my dad. It's still hard to except that he didn't ever want anyting to do w/ me. It's easy to say, oh well, his loss, whatever. But I sometimes wonder what it would be like to have an earthly father. My best guess is God protected me all these years from an earthly father that would have just made my life miserable. For that I am thankful. Plus, now seeing Darnell and the kind of father that he is to our kids, he set the bar high. He's the kind of father that you just couldn't even imagine. I am so thankful that our kids have that. So I don't know if I'll ever speak to my dad again, I won't lose any sleep over it. I just wonder sometimes and I think that's normal..Well my eyes are getting heavy, I have probably rambled on about stuff I have rambled on about before, lol.. but hey, it's my blog so I get to do that if I wanna!! hahaha

Hello 2010!!!

I really can't believe it's already 2010! We had a great New Years Eve! We went to Jake & Emily's ( well Emily's parents house) for a huge party. It was fun! We could have brought the kids, but it was nice to have a night out. Most of the people there were from Emily's parents church, so we didn't know that many people, but we still had a blast!!! With this new year, I really need to focus on enjoying where I'm at. Not missing what used to be or wondering what is to come. I don't have control over any of it anyways, I just want to enjoy my life as it is. So many circumstance in my life have left me w/ no control.. Isaiah's issues are unpredictable..It's hard to plan and I really need to let God have complete control. Much easier said than done. I am choosing to let God lead me. Being a basket case is getting OLD!!! Seriously. enough already. I'm the ONLY one who can change my frame of my mind, who can chose to take the circumstances I have and let God lead me. I don't have to have all the answers. My kids are awesome. Truly, I am in awe of what wonderful people they are becoming. They are fun, smart, and sooo easy going kids. Darnell and I are truly blessed. To be 32 and have a teenager does make me feel SOO weird, LOL...but I am going to embrace it and enjoy each child at the age they are at! Well I am off to take a nap.. I think I have caught the cold Haley has had..oh well..