Friday, January 1, 2010

2nd blog of the day

Well I guess I have more to say or rather more that I would like to blog about...stuff that's been rolling around in my head. I feel like I'm starting to turn a corner. This last year, well was hell. It left me VERY..well unstable. I felt like I couldn't function. Taking a shower seemed to be difficult. I just didn't want to be a part of the land of the living. Living seemed too hard. Some days it still does. However, I feel like things are going to get better. The last few months w/ Isaiah not being in school, we have had our days together. Just me & him. At first I thought, WOW, I can do alot, go to the library ( which I only did once) visit w/ good friends( Nikki & the girls), keep my house organized..the list goes on. What ended up happening is that I felt like I had only enough energy to do the necessary things.. then Isaiah and I would come home and literally nap every single day. At first I thought jeez Melissa you are such a lazy blah blah then really I felt like God gave me that time to rest. It wasn't an accident that Isaiah and I were home and we both needed to rest after the hard months we both went thru. God knew I needed that rest. Then I started noticing that Isaiah's attitude towards me was changing, he was more cuddly, more loving, the bond was forming again. Praise God. I felt like even though my son has these issues, I at least have a better relationship with him.
I also am having a hard time (kinda) w/ this whole having a teenager thing. I am missing my kids being little SOOO badly. Then I read in a blog about cherishing each stage your child is in. If I spend all my time missing what used to be, I am going to miss what is happening now. It just feels weird to be 32 and have 4 school age children. I feel a little displaced. I know someday I will be a RN. God has definately given me peace about that, and about not having my own agenda about when I will finsih school. Having schoolaged children does not automatically mean I can go to work and all that. I really thought once Isaiah started school, I'd finish school and get myself on the road to becoming an RN. What I didn't expect was for Isaiah to have all the issues he's had w/ school, not being able to go to school and now his Dr telling me to seriously consider homeschool. That all threw me for a huge loop. I have to accept this and honestly, now that I have, I have peace. I am glad I am home for my kids. If they are sick, I can be home w/ them. I am feeling blessed. I know I have a long ways to go in dealing w/ depression, but I'm trusting God. Darnell has been awesome! On his days off, he lets me sleep, he encourages me to get out and about but doesn't push. Darnell is the exception to all the rules...I feel like God has given me an extraordinary husband. I won't lie and say that I don't still deal w/ issues about my dad. It's still hard to except that he didn't ever want anyting to do w/ me. It's easy to say, oh well, his loss, whatever. But I sometimes wonder what it would be like to have an earthly father. My best guess is God protected me all these years from an earthly father that would have just made my life miserable. For that I am thankful. Plus, now seeing Darnell and the kind of father that he is to our kids, he set the bar high. He's the kind of father that you just couldn't even imagine. I am so thankful that our kids have that. So I don't know if I'll ever speak to my dad again, I won't lose any sleep over it. I just wonder sometimes and I think that's normal..Well my eyes are getting heavy, I have probably rambled on about stuff I have rambled on about before, lol.. but hey, it's my blog so I get to do that if I wanna!! hahaha