Unproductive weekend!

Today I did nothing productive. not one thing. I am just not sure where my head is at. I feel so blah. I have blogged about my depression issues etc.. so I won't go over all that again, but this last week, I just have no energy, no motivation. I honestly just want to lay around and do nothing. And eat, haha. That's maybe part of it. I have been eating crap and that is not helping I am sure. I saw my counselor last week and he advised me that at night, I need to not make a mental list of all I want to do the next day. Because when I do, it gets my mind going, I get psyched up about who knows what, then the next day I don't have the same motivation and I end up berating myself for not doing stuff. vicious circle. So.. I am working on that. I have said so so so many times that I need a vacation. I literally NEED one. I need a change of pace, scenery, somewhere to clear my head, get myself straight. It will certainly be a miracle if I do get a vacation. When I say vacation, I mean I want to get on a plane and go off somewhere tropical, warm, beautiful beach, awesome hotel...this is a big ol dream of course, but if you are going to dream , dream big! Next month is our 14th wedding anniversary. We didn't have a honeymoon. I would so love to go on a real honeymoon. Stay in the honeymoon suite, lol.. .anyways.. a girl can dream! I am praying that this week I can get myself together, get some stuff done.. etc...

I called in sick

I called in sick today...lol..well technically I "texted" in sick, to my husband who is off today! Basically to establish that today, I am off limits from doing any motherly or household duties! I did make a few phone calls for appts for the kids..but I couldn't ignore that. Last night I had ANOTHER migraine. I took exedrin PM and it worked. still waiting to hear about my referral to the headache clinic.

So what does a stay at home mom do on a day off? Well, ideally one would think she would go shopping or go for a walk etc.. I however have not or never will do what "most" people do. I am in my room, on my laptop watching re-runs of "House" To me, today that is how I feel like spending my day off. later I will take a nap. So, I have been thinking. shocker I know..I have Darnell built up on this big pedestal. partially because I am crazy in love with him(big part of me!) and also because he is fanatisitc w/ our kids, w/ ministry at church. He's funny, witty, easy going. He was one of the "cool" guys at school. I was sorta the wallflower. I had a tight knit group of friends. I actually have an awesome group of friends, ladies that have been with me when I went thru tons of crap. My mom always says she thinks it's awesome that I have so many great friends. I am blessed. So me, being who I am, and Darnell being who he is, the odds of us getting together didn't seem real when we first started dating. Now, next month is our 14th wedding anniversary.

*Warning~this may be a long blog today~

Jeremiah, age 13, 8th grader.

He is our oldest. He is taller than me, and frequently finds it insanely hilarious to point it out to him. HA! However, he is a mama's boy to some extent. he never goes to bed w/o saying good night and I love you. He looks out for his siblings. He used to carry Haley home from the bus stop when she had bladder spasms. He's that kind of kid. He's loving, compassionate, and a blessing to me. He is a family oriented kid. Watching Darnell and him wrestle is so much fun. He is MY boy, and always will be!

Haley, age 11, 6th grader~

Haley is beautiful. Drop dead gorgeous. And has NO idea that she is. She is sort of a tomboy, however a tomboy that won't leave the house w/o her earings, her legs lotioned up so she's not ashy and her hair neatly combed into a pony tail. She is a straight A student. she does it pretty much w/ very little effort. She had to have gotten that from her dad. Definately NOT me, haha...she can be quiet and shy. When she's in her goofy mood, she really lets loose. She values things being in order, clean and neat. she is a huge help to me. I look at her and it takes my breath away.

Savannah, age 10, 5th grader~

Savannah "banna" is our huge goof ball. Seriously, she cracks us up and more importantly cracks herself up!!!! She is a very out going, friendly, kid. She is a lot like Darnell. and OMG is she a daddy's girl. I mean, the sun rises and sets on HIM!! Which I think is fabulous! She also is our drama queen. she can be so happy go lucky, but when her panties get in a bunch, literally and metaphorically, EVERYONE knows it! She has a stare that will burn a hole thru you( much like Haley does) and crocidile tears that sometimes either make you laugh or cry with her, haha.She is extremely creative, and as she gets older I am seeing more and more her talents for taking pictures, using the video player on my camera.. she has quite the personality. I am excited to see where life takes her.

Isaiah, age 7, 1st grader~

Isaiah is a mystery sometimes. But he is a cuddle bug, he has a smile that lights up a room. His giggle, OMG is soo dang cute. His best friends are his siblings. And of course his cousins Tamiah, Amara and Trenton. He adores them. He loves anything w/ a remote control. Not tv controls, but cars, trucks, etc.. He loves to swim. He would swim in the lake, that is freezing cold, his whole body could be purple and he'd swim until it got dark. He's my baby. he still loves to cuddle, he loves his "woobie" You know the woobie like the little kid had on" Mr Mom"? he sleeps with it, chews on it. His sense of humor is emerging every day and it's so cool to see.

My kids are my world. Although a lot of the time I find myself getting way too caught up in the duties of motherhood, rather than spending more quality time w/ them. I am fortunate enough to be a stay at home mom. There are many reasons that I am. The most important being, well it's tied for the most important reason, first of all with 4 kids, I want to be here when they get home, I want to know what's going on etc...the 2nd reason is w/ Isaiah's disablitiy, I have to be home. So I am so happy I can be home. I look back at old pictures and MAN do I miss the days when they were babies. Well most of the time. haha.. I do however realize if I spend too much time missing what used to be, I will miss what is happenig now.

this and that...

Well it feels like fall is here. yesterday the wind was totally outrageous! Tonight I am home alone. Darnell is at work, the kids are all at church. Lately I've been feeling, emotional. Not quite sure over what...I feel depressed..but then other times I feel so hopeful about things. I wish I could get my emotions under control, that or have a good cry and get it over with already....The kids are back in school and having more free time is great. I do however need to learn to use the time wisely. If I could I would lay in bed ALLLL day and night and veg out. I do too much of that as it is. I just don't have the energy or desire to do much. I am baking and cooking more. That's good. However I still feel full of anxiety. I am tired of having headaches, yesterday I did a bunch of yard work and so today my lower back is killing me. Im only 33, it's ridiculous that after a little bit of yard work, my body feels like went thru the ringer. blah blah blah....
I can't believe how fast the summer went. It actually was one of the better summers we have had in a very long time!

It's a few hours later, I now have a migraine. damn it!!! I called the headache clinic last week and am waiting for a referral. I also made an appt for Jeremiah w/ the dr for his headaches. i don't know if he can go to the headache clinic too, but he gets horrid headaches too, he has since he was little. So since I can't move w/o my head pounding, I've been laying in bed watching house for hours...I still have laundry that needs to be folded and put away( huge pet peeve when it's just sitting in a basket) tons of laundry to be done, and I had started cleaning the dining room and had to stop. I realize I sound crabby and negative.. you'll have to exuse my pissy mood. My awesome hubby stopped and got me some 7up, exedrin PM and red vine. should be good to go for the rest of the night...

labor day weekend!

Yesterday I my 2 older half brothers and their families. something I never imagined would happen. Not like I was avoiding it but I wasn't looking for it at first either! It's very exciting to see them, see the resemblemances between our kids..Very exciting!
Today my dad was going to come and visit, but his blood sugar was sky high. when that happens, he pretty much is bed bound..I looked up his type of diabetes and it's very unpredictable, and his blood sugar levels can spike just from stress etc.. I of course am not mad, just disappointed. However I realize when it's not something he can control. So.. hopefully next time. Darnell was off today, he went to church this morning w/ the kids. we had a relaxing day, took a nap.. chilled out. My body is killing me. Last night I made an attempt to make my cinnamon rolls, the dough was tough so I had to knead it and I think that pulled some weird-o muscles in my neck and arms..
This Tuesday, when the kids go to school and D goes to work, it will be my first day on my own since school started. I am really praying that I can have the energy to get things done. It's so dang easy to do NOTHING. Then I try to pump myself full of caffeine so I will have the energy to get stuff done, that doesn't always work and then the caffeine crash... welll it's all over after that. Honestly, as I learn more about depression and anxiety, I'm thinking maybe I should be the dang poster girl for it!! haha.. not really. All I have to say, is, and I've said it before, if you can not wrap your mind around depression/anxiety issues, and just don't get it, please don't judge. There are days that i look outside, see the beautiful lake and think, wow, I should go for a walk.. do I do it? well no...It's like I just can't make myself do it. I am seeing a counselor so hopefully some of these issues will get resolved. Especially before winter..winter is the hardest season for me. Let me end by saying, I have a fabulous husband, who is completely understanding, loving, and supportive. My kids are healthy, fun, happy.. a lot of things are looking up for us. So I may express a lot of concern about all the yucky stuff, or whine about it rather, lol, but for the record, the good DEFINATELY out weighs the bad in my life. with that being said.. good night!

Good day!

Today Darnell bought me an Iphone 4!! I'm so excited!!! Of course it's not a necessity, but he worked like a mad man the last 2 weeks, we paid our bills, God blessed us and so Darnell spoiled me a little bit! He's awesome! Tomorrow evening we are getting together w/ my brother Kevin and his family and my brother Dave and his family. I am really excited. This is something I never ever dreamed would happen. They are my half brothers on my dads side. I realize this is all new to all of us, I don't have any major expections, just to meet them, connect, meet my nieces and nephews.. it's a good start. Then on sunday my dad and Pam will be here. We are going to bbq... i have been corrected by my dad, it's not called "cooking out" it's called barbequing..lol...This are really improving finanially. we still have a ways to go and bills that need to get paid. But I know God will provide. Isaiah has done well the first 3 days of school. That is a huge accomplishment.
The weather is sooo cool. Feels like fall. But it's supposed to get back up into the 80's on Monday. which is fine, Im not quiet ready for fall. but having a break from the humidity is very nice.
We are currently praying for a job for Darnell that will allow him to be able to go to church. I personally HATE change, especially job changes. however, He wants to be involved w/ youth group, especially now that Jeremiah and Haley are both in youth group. I know God has a plan, and w/ so many out of work, I am even more thankful that He has a decent job at all. God knows what he's doing. So.. we are praying.., but ultimately i want God's will for us. He's brought us a LONG way. I have no doubt that he has us where we are in this season for a reason. I'm learning, as hard as it is, that I don't always have to have all the answers. I just need to trust.
I plan on baking some stuff this weekend. We are cooking out at my mom's on sunday. That will be fun. The kids LOVE going over there.. and I swear she loves having them more than anything. She was meant to be a grandma! she has taught Jeremiah and the girls so much about gardening and yard stuff... they all appreciate flowers and nature so much. Every year, still, in the spring as soon as Jeremiah sees the first Robin he calls my mom to tell her. I am so thankful for the relationship she has w/ them. They are building great memories. Well I need to go play w/ my new phone, hehehe...

School has started!!!

I talked to my dad on the phone 3 times today. so cool! This weekend, I just may meet 2 of my half brothers. It's all so amazing. It's new and exciting and a little bit scary, lol...Darnell's been off most of the week and he's off till next Tuesday. I sorta had a meltdown on Monday. Isaiah was just too much for me. I just couldn't handle anymore. So thankfully Darnell came home. School started yesterday!! The night before school started I had probably one of the WORST nights ever ever ever!!! My head hurt so bad that I wanted to just die. I was dreaming about my head hurting, I kept waking up... horrible. So, yesterday I called my Nurse Praticioner to get a referral for the headache clinic. Then last night I went to a counseling appointment. I need to start making a list of what I need to get done, and at night letting it be, not going over and over things in my head. I also need to stop putting so many expectations on myself. Easier said than done.
Everyone had a great day at school. Isaiah got on the bus and has now completed 2 full days of school. good start to a great year!
Funny story... yesterday, the house smelled. Now I am not a Merry maid and have a pristine house, but we aren't yucky slobs either. So I could not figure out what smelled so awful. So at like 6:30 this morning Darnell was smelling behind the fridge( where our mouse zapper is) and Darnell says " For the mouse house, when does the light go on? I said, it blinks if there is a dead mouse in there"... he says well it was blinking like 3 or 4 days ago!!! Well we found where the smell was coming from! So GROSS!!!! At least I got the mouse out and the smell. Now I need to put the mouse house back just in case there are anymore of that dead mouses friends. so gross.
So I am drooling over the iphone 4. I want one bad. I also want the Ipad. I guess I could go on and on, however today I am very thankful that we are able to pay our rent, buy groceries etc..

First day of school!!!

Well FINALLY the first day of school came. Unfortunately I was soo sick this morning, I didnt get to see the kids off, Darnell did. But they all had a great day. Haley started middle school... whoa..Isaiah rode the bus! whoo-hoo! Unfortnuately I had a horrible night from Hell last night.. I had the worst headache EVER....so I called today to get a referral to the headache clinic. It was horrible.

This weekend my dad is coming to visit, and my brother Kevin and his family are coming from seattle. so... we are planning on getting together w/ my brothers and their families and then handing out w/ my dad and Pam on sunday afternoon. It all feels so surreal sometimes!
Well I would type more, but i'm falling asleep! good night!