All Saints Royally sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!

~CAUTION~ just a forwarning.. I am highly ticked off and fired up.. these are my random thoughs that need to come out someplace, so this is it. Please, if you read this, don't be offended if some questionable language spews forth.. lol
So... we decided to bring Isaiah to the ER.. this week has been hell. I literally have bruises EVERYONE from him, He even got Darnell pretty good..Long story short.. his regular psych dr. said if things get too out of hand, go to the ER. So we did. The first nurse we dealt w/ was fabulous.. her son has almost the same issues, so she knew where we were coming from. At one point they were holding a bed for Isaiah at St. Lukes, WELL...the psychologist(whom I overheard as I walke past the little room"he's only 5, he's only 5".. blah blah blah.. get over how old he is and look at the facts. Jeez..so anyways she comes in to tell me Isaiah doesn't fit the criteria to be admitted. I said well whos' criteria.. well she then tells me it's partially hers and then the insurance..well at that point she hadn't even contacted the insurance company. Well I ripped her a new one. I said what exactly does he need to do to fit your freaking criteria? Oh and she says you can call Dr. callaghan on Monday..well what the Hell.. what am I supposed to do over the weekend, Callagahn said if things get out of hand take him to the ER..that's what I did. I just want SOMEONE on God's green earth to help my son.. Then I asked if there was someone about this psychologist.. well apparently it was the Physicans assistant.. I said, seriously, point blank to this nurse" well does he have the balls to stand up to this high and might pscyhologist?" her response was.. Oh I don't want to get in the middle of it. Well then a DR finally stepped in, actually listened to me and made this chick put the insurance info thru the system Which of course was denied, which I have NO DOUBT that this woman, who clearly thinks she's God, was bound and determined that Isaiah would not be getting admitted was the one who submitted all the info. Well she can make anything sound good, bad or in between. The other times we've brought him there, we didn't have a problem at all. I told her do you want him climbing the walls or what? Her response was" well that not really her nor there" Well the hell it isn't, it most definately is. Does the house need to burn down, do we need to come in completely batter? WTF??So.. despite all the arguing I did, the NICE dr. stopped me before I left to let me know he'd be there all weekend if we ended up back there. He was the good guy for the night.. I still HATE all saints.. I work my ass off to try and get my son help and get NO WHERE!!! Im tired of this shit. I'm tired of being beat up every day.. tired of people just not getting it, telling me he just needs this or that or whatever their cure is..Does anyone out there get that yes, Isaiah is only 5, will be 6 in 3 weeks, but has some SERIOUS mental health issues? It is possbile. People would just rather believe that either A) I just dont' discipline him enough, B) he's spoiled or C) he needs to detox and never ever eat sugar ever again. That idea is a valid point, but at this stage in the game, not gonna happen. My other kids are witnessing all of this, watching thier "little" brother basically bet the shit out of me.. NOt COOL! I'll be the first to admit, if we don't get some relief soon, I may be the one in the psych unit. haha.. so there you have it I guess.. I'm sick to death of all this, I can't make it better for anyone.. I am worn out to the point of no return I think..My 3 other kids are putting up w/ soo more than they should have to or that I ever wanted them to have to deal with..Although I have faith in God, I just don't understand.honestly and truly. I just don't get it..but it is what it is.. so I'm going to try and sleep.. lol.. i'm SOOOOOO tired...I want croissants in the a.m... bad... all this crap makes me want the 2 things I basically could live off of, Starbucks and O & H croissants.. LOl.. how sad am I? good night...if you can call it that

whatever!!!!!!!

Well, I don't really have much to say except I'm angry. I'm angry that my son has these issues that cause him to get so physical w/ the whole family. I am WORN OUT!!! I'm pissed off. I KNOW that I'm suposed to be positive, speak positively and all that, but how do I get to that point? Darnell is awesome..when he comes home he totally fills in the gap, gives me the space I need, especially after a day like today when I feel literally like a battered mother. I am NOT exaggerating...I have a professional opinion to back that up, haha. not really funny i guess...Anyways, tomorrow Me and the girls are going to Great America w/ Ruth and her girls. We went last year so we are making it a tradition. I'm happy to be going and doing somehting fun w/ the girls and all that, however I am soooo wiped out. I just want to veg out. Then Friday we have to be at Children's hospital by 9:30 to bring Isaiah to the constipation clinic. I am really looking forward to when we are on the other side of this mountain.. until then, I just pray that God will keep carrying me...

comfort food....

ok..just for the record.. i am venting..what else is new?? I am royally pissed off that I do not have the extra cash to go to O&H and get my croissants or to Starbucks and get my coffee. I am quite sick of being broke. There isn't much I can do about, Heck, I need to be thankful for all that I do have rather than whining about trival things like coffee and pastry. Why can't I just be happy w/ all that I do have...rather than what I don't? Well I'll tell you why because I'm human, I'm stressed and in desperate need for comfort food. And in all my years I know that I need to find comfort in God, not food. But human nature takes over and I am obsessing over these trival things. When will I get it? Soon I hope...I am praying for a breakthrough in so many areas...

I was a vegetable today.. figurativley speaking..

So.. today (Tuesday) went much smoother than Monday. I woke up literally feeling like a was in a fight, which in reality, I guess I was. Isaiah didn't have a good morning and I absolutely NEEDED Darnell home today. I was totally physically and emotionally drained. Thank God he was able to stay home. I was more than irritated after speaking w/ Isaiah's day treatment social workers. Here's the scenario.. they of course want him there consistently... well of course so do we...HOWEVER, if he will not get on the van, will jump out INTO traffic in a last ditch effort to go, what the Heck am I supposed to do? Well THEY think I should just bring him myself. New scenario.. Isaiah has a history of trying to jump out of a moving vehichle, he will not stay buckled so he gets up and comes after me w/ his fists swinging while I'm driving...get the picture? So I'm supposed to some how bring him in the hopes he won't do that for a half hour drive w/ 5 other kids in the van. And THEY are the professionals telling me to "try" and do that b/c Isaiah really will benefit from the program, he's fine once he gets there..yada yada yada..I'm not an moron, I get all that. However I will not put our entire family at risk. Now that I've wasted too much time whining about that..Tonight I'm up WAY toooo late for my own good. But this is the time of night I get things done. I so wish I could be a morning person. But I know if I wake up early, my kids have radar. It never fails, if I wake up, SOMEONE will wake up too. Darnell and I have talked about getting up early and going for a walk down by the lake. Which sounds wonderful, go for a nice walk, spend some time together before the day starts, get showered and all that jazz before the kids wake up. Great idea in theory for someone who is a morning person, which I am not. And even if I could drag my lazy rear end out of bed and do that, I will most certainly crash around 9 a.m. of course getting up that early will require much more caffeine...but again there's the caffeine crash..So whatever...There are so many things I want to do, and don't. So many motherly traits I see in other moms that I wish I possessed but don't. Maybe the late hour is making me whiny, lol..I think so...at any rate, trying to better myself seems like something that needs to go on the back burner until we get things ironed out w/ Isaiah. That alone requires just about all I have in me and making sure my 3 other precious kids are ok too. God give me strength. We also could use a finanical blessing. Point blank. I need to go to bed.. my eye lids are heavy..

What a day..

Ok.. forwarning...I can't guarantee that my language will be clean.. sorry , but that's just how it is tonight. Today SUCKED!!!!!!!!! I don't even have the energy to type it all.. long story short, Isaiah went COMPLETELY bizerk.. raging, screaming, the whole 9 yards. I have bruises and cuts all over. He tore into my arms and legs w/ his finger nails till I bled. I can not figure out where this rage is coming from.. aside from ANOTHER medicine change...We are not getting any fricking help from Roger's memorial, I had to call 911 because he was so flipping violent, they didn't do shit for us. Whatever.. so now we'll see if if tomorrow will be better or if we'll have to admit him AGAIN...which really doesn't do jack accept scare the crap out of Isaiah and the rest of us are miserable b/c life as we know it is all jacked up. I'm sick to death of this crap. I can't handle much more. Sun-Wed, I'm on my own because obviously Darnell's at work. My other kids have to endure so much that I feel freaking helpless and like they are being scarred for life...Every "professional" person I talk to talks to me like I don't know jack about all this.. what the Hell.. I live this.. I deal w/ it daily.. I can't live a normal life b/c of it. I go back and forth between so pissed off I feel the steam coming out of my ears to being so emotionally numb...So there you have.. the bad and the ugly.. usually it goes, the good, the bad and the ugly... no good today.. hopefully tomorrow...

New Meds..

Isaiah started new meds again. Last night he woke up in the middle of the night w/ a night terror. I was able to calm him down believe it or not by just rubbing his back and massaging his temples. THen today for the most part the morning he was fine. I had to go into the walk in clinic because I have a UTI and then go to walgreens to pick up my script..when we got home, he just flipped out. He did it again just a little while ago. I of course have NO idea if it's just from the med changes or what. I hate that he feels the way he feels. I can't change it, I can't make it better. Thursday night we hung out w/ some friends and Isaiah played w/ his friend Miles. I haven't seen him play like a regular little boy like that in I don't know how long, if ever. It did my heart good to see my little boy playing like he should. Not raging, not in a hospital, not sleepy from medicine. He had such a good time. I think one of the hardest parts about all this is knowing that I have NO control over this and every day is different..it's so hard to plan or predict from one minute to the next if Isaiah's going to be ok, how he'll handle things etc...I guess that's where I am supposed to trust God. I just wish God would give me a heads up once in a while, lol...

Fun Friday

I had a great day hanging out with 2 old friends from high school, Heidi and Sarah and their kids. The kids swam in my greeen pool, lol and we chatted and reminiced about the days of old, lol.. The pool is green, but clean! We are having a hard time getting the rythm of the chemicals and running the filter and cleaning it. Aside from the color, it was perfectly safe to swim in. So needless to say, the kids had a blast! Tonight my girls are at a sleepover so it's just me and my guys. I am contemplating vegging out OR organizing Savannah's drawers and doing some organizing. I was at a friends house that was SPOTLESS!! That has inspired me. I guess it doesn't take much. But it feels good to get things de cluttered and organized. I FINALLY got all this paper work turned into SSI... something that I had been putting off for forever.. that alone, having it off my mind feels absolutely wonderful. All my other papers, documents, all that stuff is organized! Now I need to get my house and yard going and I'll be on a roll! I guess as a SAHM (stay at home mom~for those that don't know the lingo, hehe) having all that done makes me feel like I'm getting things accomplished. It inspires me to keep my home in order. What inspires you? You being who ever in the world reads this...I think I will write this blog as if someone really is reading lol..But really what inspires you? What makes people tick? What makes you want to go home clean like crazy?? LOL..For me, it's either seeing someone else's extremely clean house OR someone else's extremely NOT clean house. Either one sparks some kind of OCD in me..hahaha Well I guess I have blogged enough nonsense for today.. nothing too life changing coming out of my brain today!