Dreaming!

So, I'm going to do a bit of whining or venting, call it what you want. Last month~ 10/12/11 Darnell and I celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary. When I look back at our wedding, it makes me kinda sad. Don't get me wrong, not sad about who I married, obviously, lol, but the wedding. I didn't think I cared all that much but I guess I do. Because of our circumstances our wedding was very small, we didn't have a real reception. Heck, we didn't even know where we were going to sleep that night. Most people have a honeymoon planned and a hotel room all decked out. If it weren't for our wedding party pulling together and getting us a room at the Radisson, we would have been sleeping at Darnell's house but we didn't even have a bed yet. Am I having a pity party? Maybe. But I feel like sometimes you just need to get this stuff out of your head. It was like 4 years before we got our own place and stayed put. I realize no one forced us to get married. But guess what? We did. I was blessed with a bridal shower but had no idea what I was registering for. I wish I could do it all over again. Mostly because I know what marriage means. I want to renew our vows, I want to celebrate the fact that God has brought us through the last 15 years. Maybe I'm just being emotional. I've said it myself, it's not the wedding, it's the marriage. But I would love to have some new pics of wedding pics when I'm not pregnant.lol.  And, if money allowed, I would totally plan an entire wedding and reception. I realize this may sound selfish, but I guess I don't care. I just want what every bride wants, to have your name called and walk into the reception w/ your husband, dancing to an awesome song. I want to dance and have all eyes on Darnell and I. I guess I just want what every girl wants. 
Let me say for the record.. this is all superficial stuff. I am blessed to have a great husband and a good marriage. I wouldn't change that. The wedding stuff is just me dreaming a bit, wishing. but when it comes down to it, I know so many people have the big huge wedding w/ all of that stuff and then have a crappy marriage. Obviously I would rather have a great marriage. Sometimes you just want to have your cake and eat it too! lol

He doesn't look any different..

"He doesn't look any different...are you sure he is autistic? " Is he like rain Man? Is he a savant? You can't even tell there's anything wrong...


Those are just a few of the things I have heard about my son and his disability. People don't see it with they're eyes so they assume it's not there. That's the biggest mistake a person can make if you ask me. NEVER assume everything is fine just by how it looks. YOU don't live with this child. YOU don't deal with the issues on a daily basis. Recently my son's behavior has started to increasingly get worse. So that meant a med change. ok, fine...I think the hardest part of all this is yes he'll smile and make eye contact with people. But he doesn't CONNECT on a deeper level. That level where your child will come over and just cuddle or snuggle up. Where he will look at you and you can feel that connection. For my son, that isn't there. That doesn't mean he doesn't love us. He absolutely does. He just shows it differently. He loves to clean. He loves to be helpful. Those are his ways of showing his love for his family. If you give him a hug and tell him how proud you are of him, he will just sort of stand there. Because to him, his "hug" was what he just did. He cleaned, or did something he really thought you'd like. I am blessed that God has enabled us to see that in him. As a mom though, there are just those times where I want to hold him tight like I did when he was a baby and have him hold me right back. I miss the affection. I know that he shows his affection in other ways, it's just hard sometimes to see my 8 yr old and have him look at me so blankly. some days he'll smile at me and of course it lights up the whole world. At the end of the day, when he's sleeping I go into his room and kiss him and rub his cheek. I can cuddle him, sort of, and just pour out my love for him and hope that in his soul he feels it. I know that sounds crazy, but when he's awake, he'll only let me hug him for a minute or two. when he's sleeping I can just sit next to him, my head on his back and listen to him breathe. All that love and compassion I want him to have I hope he feels. 
I have learned that people just don't get it. And a lot of times they just don't have the sense to keep their mouths shut. I don't mean that to sound rude, but really.....
If you don't know enough about something, don't pretend that you do. I would rather someone say that then say, oh he looks "normal"....THAT makes my blood boil. still working on that. lol. I am thankful my other kids can connect w/ Isaiah. Thru playing and laughter and just being kids...They play and their laughter is like music to my ears. 

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Happy Thanksgiving! We had a nice one. We went to my mom's and then to Darnell's grandparent's. Everyone is tired! The kids all fell asleep pretty early! 
It's only Thursday and it's been a rough week. aside from some psychological issues then followed by some physical problems, I am struggling with something that I am sure God is allowing me to go thru for a reason. Here it is. I want to shop. I want this and that, and you name it. My mom used to call it a serious case of the "I wants". I feel horrible b/c my husband works his ass off. He has always spoiled me. he says he likes to. But I feel guilty. If I would just keep my mouth shut... You know the verse that says to be content w/ what you have? well let me tell you, I'm being put to the test.  God has blessed us, and I know that we have enough "stuff". My problem is that I want "stuff" like yankee candles and a new phone and new rugs and more yarn and more shoes for my girls and hair products for savannah's hair...let me see, is that it? Oh and a new blue tooth, new christmas tree w/ some decorations.. i mean seriously, how greedy do I sound? EXTREMELY. especially when I see homeless people walking down the street or waiting by the Salvation army. This is a hard lesson for me to learn. I keep saying I'm working on it. I'm trying, I don't want to be a greedy brat. I want to be perfectly content with what I have. I have a hardworking husband trying to make ends meet. I don't want to add stress to him. That would not and does not make God happy. And God has blessed me IMMENSELY in so many areas. My good friend just GAVE me her food processor this week. TOTALLY made my day. I've been wanting one for forever because I cook and bake so much. so I have no right to be greedy. So.. I just needed to get all that off my chest. Keeping it all in, for me, is like poison. I need to go without some of the stuff I don't need and focus on God. He is all I need. I don't want to learn this lesson the hard way. Pray for me! At the end of this Thanksgiving night, I am thankful for what I have. More importantly, I am thankful for a great God that I serve and that loves me and will be with as I grow mature thru this situation. 

just this and that..

I went to bed really early, which means I got up really early. What fun! Today I am going to attempt to make homemade spaghetti sauce. do you call it past sauce? red sauce? marinara sauce? lol.well you get the idea. Julie gave me fresh tomatoes that are in the freezer. I might end up having to have her come over and help me, lol. Since I don't know what I'm doing! I hope Isaiah has a good day. He's off school all week. Jeremiah has school Monday and Tuesday and the girls go M-T-W. Hopefully monday and tuesday Isaiah isn't bored outta his mind. I wish I could get a better handle on his issues. 
I feel like we've made great progress in the last few years, but on days like today and the next few days, he's going to be BORED and I'm going to go insane!!!!!! We applied for different services to see if we could get respite care for him. So then we could set up times for him to go w/ either grandma or a family friend for the day. He needs that time away, that one on one time. And to be quite honest, I need the break. Not because I don't want to be w/ my son, but because after so long, hearing " I'M BORED" just makes you go nuts. I might and try and apply again...He deserves more help than what he's getting. 

The end of a not so hot week!

Well it's been a heck of a week. Emotionally, for me, not so good. I've been up, down, back and forth, you name it! I don't know if it's meds or PTSD or maybe I am finally just loosing it. haha, just kidding. I have been doing some reading on post traumatic stress disorder. I seem to have all the symptoms. I don't want to diagnosis myself, I don't want to jump to conclusions. However, I am not an idiot and I know how I feel. I can put 2 and 2 together. It fits. I was supposed  to have my nerve block done today, or today yesterday rather. I just did not feel like it was the right time. With feeling so all over the place, I didn't want to make a decision to get a big 'ol shot in the back of my head that may or may not work. Just wasn't feeling it today. I feel good about it. I have peace. And it feels good to have made a decision that I have control over and feel good about it. When I am ready for the nerve block and chose to get it, it's there. Maybe it's a control thing, I don't know. But right now, my neck has been ok, my head has been ok this last 2 weeks. 
On a different note, I feel like I am making progress with just not caring what other people think. Guess what? I went to see " Breaking Dawn"..I don't feel convicted. I am NOT a cougar. I agree w/ some points as far as kids watching it. There were way to many YOUNG kids, in my opinion, watching that movie. My kids saw the first movie after we did. They have not see the other ones. They definitely will not be seeing this one. Too graphic. But personally, I don't feel convicted for seeing it. Some may, and that's fine. I think we all have different things that we can tolerate, spiritually. So, with that being said, I am going to try and get some sleep!!

Personal Space/who woulda thought??

Personal Space. heard of it? In our house, it's hard to come by when the kids are home. To this day, my almost 15 year old STILL knocks on the door when I'm in the bathroom..In recent months I have found that I am in need of more of my own time and personal space. I realize that could sound selfish considering I am a wife and mom of 4. However, it is what it is. I'm not going to apologize for it. If that's what I need to be a better mom and wife, then so be it. My health issues and a few other things have made it so that I have become somewhat withdrawn at times. And sometimes I just need that space to collect myself, pray, heal, etc..  with the kids being at school during the day, I thought I'd have all the time I need. Well as it turns out, my peak time of day is at night. morning/ afternoons I don't do well w/ all the things I'd do w/ my own time. So then I end up staying up late. The house is quiet, peaceful and I can putz around as I please. It is usually the time I get the most done. 
I was thinking today about how so many of my friends that I've know since grade school are moms and wives now too. When we once spoke of what boy we had a crush on, what test we where dreading that was coming up, what CD we just had to have....Now we are these women who speak of children, husbands, recipes, knitting, baking, cooking, cleaning...We can have whole conversations based solely on the quirky things are kids/ husbands do. Who would have thought??? When I once thought the world was coming to end b/c I thought maybe I wouldn't do well on a test,now the stakes are much higher. But the prize is so much better. kids that tell you I love you for no reason. Hubby's that bring you Starbucks just because....My how things have changed. For the good though. I wouldn't have ever thought of 15 years ago...Now my thoughts are consumed with who needs homework signed, what i need to make/bake for the girls Thanksgiving feast at school.. Dr.s appts that need to be made.Some days these things drive me nuts, these are thing the things that drive me to a place where I feel like if I don't get some time alone, I just may lose my mind. I wouldn't change any of it. 
I'm striving to be a better woman. Thankfully I have God behind me! 

Domestic Goddess? Who ME??? YES!!!

Well I feel like quite the domestic Goddess today! I didn't clean like a fool, however I did make a kick ass dinner ( with the help of Darnell's mom who gave us a cooked ham) which I made into scalloped potatoes and ham. Then I currently have in the oven Jumbo Chocolate Chip streusel muffins! 

These are the yummy muffins that are baking.

Since I can't do heavy cleaning, I have really gotten into baking and knitting. And so that brings me my second domestic goddess act of the day.

I am working on my scarf. It's going to be FANTASTIC!!!! I got a basket for all my yarn. I got it 50% off at JoAnn Fabrics. And then I bought my first "crafty" magazine. LOL. So I am feeling quite domestic. Feels good. I am having to make a lot of adjustments as far as what I can do around the house. So...I am actually having fun with the new things I am doing. The baking and cooking is not new, but knitting, crocheting and all that is very new to me. And oh so much fun. I have found that mornings are the worst for me. I wake up and my neck hurts so bad! I have a "good" pillow..but it doesn't help. So I have to accept that I am not going to be anywhere near my best in the mornings. It takes me awhile to get moving. So that is my time to listen to music,relax, search for coupons online. Adjustments are hard. But they don't always have to be boring!! 

And the finished product! They taste awesome! I'm feeling quite confident today and might even change the name of my blog to Domestic Goddess...hahah..just kidding!!!!