Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Blah....

Well I FINALLY started the SSI process. That is a huge undertaking. I have a phone interview next week. I still am having a hard time facing the fact that Isaiah has this disability. People can say " well this is what you have been dealt, so deal w/ it..." but until you are dealing w/ this... I just feel like I can't get a handle on my emotions. They are so up and down it's crazy. Yesterday or rather last night I was on a high because I got this SSI stuff started, today I feel like crap. Isaiah did go to school, but came home and was so crabby and started throwing a fit over a snack. I am tired of it. When is enough...enough? How much can one person deal with? I have an image in my head of this woman/wife/mother that I should or want to be.. and I feel like I am the polar opposite of that woman. I just want some time in between crisis' and issues and it all! I know it's all a part of life and we should live each day to the fullest..blah blah blah..well I'm not feeling it. I'm tired of worrying about this house, $$$, if Isaiah is going to rage, and all the little stuff in between. I know I am probably whining...but if I don't vent all this out I'll explode. Haley has her scope tomorrow. I am nervous. I am 99% sure they will say it's all fine..but it's been so long since she's had anything done, she's had weird pain, some leaking, I just have that fear that something might have shifted or something and that she'll need a revision. I know what to expect, I know what they'll do..but this time around Haley is old enough to know what's going on, to actually remember the pain and everything that goes w/ having surgery. That would be a whole new aspect of bladder exstrophy that we have not dealt w/ yet. I know, don't borrow tomorrow's troubles, but reality is that at some point she will have to deal with this. Well I supose I should stop for now. Hopefully I can get myself together.