Sunday, October 24, 2010

No Ordinary Life

It is clear that I do not and never will have an ordinary life. For quite some time I tried to fight this. However, I am tired of fighting it. God has put me on this path for a reason. Some times I feel, well honestly most times I feel very unequipped and like a failure. I realize that that is a lie from Satan. God knows what he's doing. He sees something in me, that maybe I don't see in myself yet. But I'm getting there. I often feel that people are looking at me and critizing me, judging me etc...When really I am doing my best. And God has blessed me beyond what I ever thought was possible. I HAVE to stop comparing my life, my circumstances to others. It not only drives me crazy but does not help me deal w/ what I have to deal with.. if that makes sense. I do have 2 children w/ disabilities. Haley's is not so apparent, yet it's there. It's something she will deal with her entire life. There was a time that our lives were consumed w/ bladder exstrophy. And that may or may not happen again. It s what it is. With Isaiah, it's a day to day. And I also have 2 children that have to watch their siblings deal with all this "stuff". So obviously, there are no signs of an ordinary life here. And that's ok. Our family is unique in many ways. And instead of fighting it,I am choosing to embrace it. Own it. Thru all of this, we have so many more blessings than not. It is truly amazing how God takes all that is meant for evil and turns it into good, to glorify him. I am surrounded by awesome friends and family. My precious babies..are everything to me. Darnell is amazing. He understands me, he loves me just as I am. He is perfect for me. God absolutely knew what he was doing when we got together, when we were only 16 and 17. Today I did NOT want to go to church. I fought it to the bitter end and then finally gave in. The sermon was exactly what I needed to hear. God is NOT done w/ me yet. It's not over till He says it's over. That gives me great hope. I don't feel like it's hopeless. So with all that being said, our daily lives will be different from most. We face different challenges, circumstances that can't be changed until God wants to change them. Until them I will run to God. I will bury myself in Him when I feel like i can't go on. I will let my children see me at my worst and at my best. I will let them see me run to God and be filled with hope and peace. I will let them see me find refuge in God. I also will let them see me find comfort in Darnell, in our families and friends. They will hopefully grow up seeing not only the differences we've faced but the where to run when it gets to be too much. So, our not so ordinary life is filled w/ challenges but filled with much more love and fun and blessings from God. I guess I wouldn't want it any other way.