Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Well I guess this is my 100th blog since I started it. hmmm.. guess that means I have a lot to say? or complain & whine about? lol... I have a fever and feel like crap. I'm glad Darnell's off the next 4 days...with all these flu's going around, I don't know if I'll wake up fine or worse. I was feeling very guilty about the kids not making it to church tonight ( Jeremiah went, but not the other kids) Guilt is a feeling that I am finding has a real hold over me. I feel guilty about everything, things that I do, don't do, should've done, shouldn't have done, etc...It has been brought to my attention by some very wise women that guilt is not from God. God can convict us, there is a difference. God did not plan for me to live a life filled w/ all this guilt. Our soceity, the church today, ( in MY opinion) has drilled it into our heads that if we don't go to church at all, you are a heathen. If you go but miss church, you are backsliding. If you have an alcholoic drink, you have completely gone off the deep end.. so many rules. Granted, a lot of them are good, they keep us from temptation and are for our own good. However, when you get to the point that you feel guilty about everything, somethings wrong. And it's not about pointing a finger to anyone/thing, rather ME specifically allowing the guilt to creep in and I end up feeling like crap about most everything. Then there is the whole, if you decide to do things differently, you are a radical.. you are a super spiritual nut...whatever, all because you chose to follow a different path. But that path is headed the same direction~ a realationship w/ God. Why are we so quick to judge others when on the outside it looks like we are walking away from God, but in reality we are walking right into his arms. So, I am learning (still) to listen to God, not guilt. This life can be so complicated, but I think we make it more complicated than it ever needed to be. I have been trying to make things more simple, quieter. The other day I left the TV off all day, I played some CD's, but it was just nice. I've always been one that even if I'm not watching TV, I have it just for the noise. Now, I am learnig the sweet sound of silence. Having 4 kids probably has NOTHING to do with it, haha...Well I feel yucky, I need to rest.