Thursday, December 10, 2009

MUCH better mood!!!

Today my mood has improved considerably since my last blog...good Lord was I a whiner, lol!!! I still don't have anything done on my list, I still haven't done anywhere near what I want to around the house, however I am ok with that...today.

The thought has occured to me that this last few months, God has allowed this time during the day, even w/ Isaiah home, for me to rest and regroup. After this year and all the trials we have dealt with, by the end of August I truly felt like I was going to suffocate. I really don't know how I was able to even get up in the morning. The Grace of God. That's how I got out of bed. I have a hard time of not putting too many expectations on myself. I also have had some real physical issues. My anemia is worse than I originally thought.. the normal iron levels are 30-110, mine was 14, which explains the extreme fatigue, adds to depression and just really puts a wrench in my plans. MY plan was that Isaiah would be in school full time, well that didn't happen so I had to adjust my plans. Well abort them completely really. I have sorta come to the realization that God has provided this time for me to rest. Yes, the mother of 4 has the right to rest. I struggle w/ that. However if I don't rest, don't start feeling better, for my family's sake, I will be of no help to them. Why is it so hard for mom's to take care of themselves. At the rate of sounding, well I don't know what it will sound like, but I really don't care, but after the last few years actually, I feel I am due an adequate amount of time to heal. Having a child w/ disabilities wipes you out. Having 2 kids w/ disabilites really can wipe you out. We are blessed that Haley is doing well. As a mom, as I have said before, things could change for her in the blink of an eye. Thankfully God has given me peace. We are aware that she could need surgery pretty much at any time if something decides to shift w/ how they have her bladder and all that set up. But I don't live in fear of that. That is a real miracle. Isaiah's issues right now have wiped me out in every area of my life. As a stay at home mom I put unrealisitic expectations on myself, then proceed to beat myself up for not keeping up...It's all just a vicous cycle that I am slowly learning to work my way out of. My husband is so supportive.. he gets it, he realizes that I sometimes need space, I need a break maybe more than I normally would and as hard as he works, he still manages to do everything he can to make things easier. WOW I am blessed. Christmas is 2 weeks away. It's hard to believe! I can't say that I am not thrilled to say goodbye to 2009, I am looking forward to the future. We are sooo blessed. We have a big beautiful home ( minus the hideous wallpaper, lol) 4 beautiful kids that are wonderful, supportive family and friends..Those are things that matter at the end of the day. God is good.