Monday, April 25, 2011

ME

I am NOT sorry for being Me. Who is that? Exactly? I am a wife to an awesome husband, a mom to a 4 great kids. I am an almost 34 year old woman. I am a christian. I do not believe in religion, I believe in a relationship with Jesus Christ. He is my savior. Without Him, I would be lost. I live in WI, I hate it. I truly hate this state, but our family lives here, so here we are.  I am 99% sure I'm addicted to my iphone and macbook. 100% I'm addicted to Starbucks, I think my kids are the best kids on the planet. 
Those are some basics. I have Chiari Malformation. I do not yet know what that means for me. I have all the symtoms. Right now, I am broken, sad, confused. I don't know what the future holds. I know God is in control. That brings great comfort. I won't lie and say that I am dealing with anxiety and fear about all the unknowns and knowns of CM. Surgery is a probable known. I realized today that I am NOT sorry for the feelings I am feeling. I know God is in control and I also know that God gives us our feelings and ways to deal with them. So...I tend to always be sorry for how I feel, sorry for everything really. However, I am not sorry anymore. I got a life changing diagnosis 2 weeks ago. There's no way to escape that. So...I am going to keep my eyes on the Lord. However HE has given me the ok to just... be.. ME. I have never felt that. I have always done a great job of beating myself up. Well, that's over. I will feel how I will feel. I am done worrying about what others think. It's just too much work. I want my kids to love me, to think i'm awesome, not somebody i barely know. i want them to see the real me, to be proud of their mom, to know they are loved and cherished and adored. To know that even though we have had more than our share of hardship, we love the Lord, we serve God, we love our kids. They are the ones that are really watching me. They will have the memories of me that will last...I pray that God will give grace and help me to be what They need me to be. That is what I care about. So, I am getting off my soapbox now. Well almost.
I'm not a skinny minny, I'm not gorgeous, I don't have outstanding talents, I'm not hello miss sunshine. I'm just fine with that. Im actually good with that. Better than that. Because God, The king of Kings made me this way.