Saturday, April 2, 2011

Thinking TOOOO much

I think too much. I think about the past, the present, the future. I guess that's normal right? I think of all the things I could be and compare that to who I am...2 completely different people.  Not necessarily a bad thing.  I just feel stuck. I am limited by responibilities that go along w/ having a child that is autistic. I am not upset or resentful of that. Those are just the facts. So some days/evenings I am not able to just go and let Jeremiah babysit b/c if Isaiah isn't having a good night, I can't leave. Isaiah is NOT afraid of anyone, at least in our family. So if I leave J to babysit and Isaiah has an episode, that leaves J in the line of fire. So, that means I can't leave. I am ok with that. Every now and then I get frustrated. Really and truly, just frustrated.  Our life and routine has to be or is very routine oriented. Or at least that's what we shoot for. I hope I'm not complaining. It was kind of a rough week w/ Isaiah. But then today, Isaiah apologized to me and gave me a huge hug and I didn't even ask for it. That alone made my WEEK!! AND he told me he loved me w/o me saying it first. Those are the moments that I cherish. Seeing him laugh and giggle and have fun w/ his siblings make all the hard work worth it. 
Some people say to me, oh God must think you are so special to have given you a special needs child.  Well, let me tell you, I do not feel special. But I do feel like I wouldn't be me w/o Isaiah as my son.  
I guess tonight I am just feeling meloncholy and like I just need a change of scenery. Everything is the same, nothing is too exciting. Oh yeah, that's life in your 30's w/ kids, haha. But then again, I see other families w/ all kinds of crazy going on, so i guess I'll take my same 'ol same 'ol and be thankful for that!