Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Take me or Leave me.

I have decided, that I am just not the person I wish I could be. I tend to be or want to be the people pleasing person. I do not like it if someone is mad at me. I don't like it if I can't help everyone that asks. And what's worse, I can't help the issues my kids have or that I know have. I admittedly can not just "deal with" my diagnosis of chiari malformation and move on w/ my life just 10 days after the diagnosis. My head is still spinning. I still want to cry. It hits me that this is a chronic illness. I will deal w/ this for the rest of my life. I am only 33. When I am told that I need to avoid regular things, when I don't know from one day to the next how I will feel, is extremely frustrating. and honestly, I will deal with it in my own time. I do believe God will help me work thru this. But I am who I am. God made me this way and fighting it just makes everything  worse. Darnell is always telling me why do I try to be like so and so, or worry about what other people think? Well I am have gotten enough situations thrown at me that I just have to worry about what what goes on under my roof. It's so exhausting thinking and worrying about everything else.   I'm not complaining, just stating facts. And since it's my blog, I can do that. I am trying my best to juggle a lot. Darnell is a major source of my strength. 
I am facing a whole lot. a whole lot that I don't even know about yet. So forgive me if I am not myself, if I seem crabby or pessimistic, but this is a big blow for me, my family. I'm handling it the best way I know how. I have many tools, many outlets, many friends and family members that are here for me. My blog serves as my outlet to unload my what my brain is holding in all day. so that's that. take me or leave. love me or hate me. I'll I can do is do my best. My heart is always in the right spot.