Friday, February 12, 2010

Square Peg, Round Hole..

You know what I want for my kids? To grow up knowing God, trusting God, letting God lead them, but NOT fall into the "religiousiosty" (totally spelled that wrong) that so many fall into. Do you know how exhausting it is or was to feel guilty for saying a swear word ( obviously not around my kids, most of the time ,lol) or for not following all the "rules" a good christian should? Seriously.. I have realized that in some areas, not all, but some, what I was feeling was guilt and some was God's conviction. You have to learn to tell the difference. THere is no condemnation in Christ. I Honestly don't think I'm going in danger of "losing my christianty " if I enjoy a martini once in a while. I don't feel convicted. Some people may because of their past or what have you, but that's not an issue for me. everyone has their own convictions. That's the key I think. I am not any less a child of God if I swear once in a while, don't go to church or do things in a traditional manor. I have NEVER been "normal" lol...seriously.. I was never the popular kid, the skinny kid, the girl w/ lots of boyfriends, I grew up w/o a dad, my life just wasn't like everyone else's. For a long time I tried really hard to make it be like that, or wishing that it was. But God had a different plan. His plan for me was to marry an awesome man, to have 4 awesome kids, 2 of which have disabilities, some of these things I don't always like, but it makes me who I am. And if I am that person that is not going to fit in w/ everyone else, well...so be it. I'm exhausted from trying to make it fit. It's like the saying... trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.. not gonna happen. So I am slowly embracing the fact that I just am my own person. I do things the way I do them. If me and God are good, that's what counts. I guess what threw me for a loop,well a big 'ol huge loop was the plan I had in my head of how my life was going to go and how things are actually panning out are quite different. MAYBE if I had consulted God a bit more when making MY plans, I wouldn't have been so surprised when things went so differently. I didn't plan on still being home now. I planned on Isaiah being in school, me being in school and hoepfully almost done and being an RN. Obviously those plans completely fell thru and are on hold for, well, indefinately. I'm not making plans regarding my schooling until I feel God tells me to. I may not be involved w/ church right now, but I DO have a relationship w/ God, I still hear his still small voice, and until that voice tells me otherwise, my purpose is to be a mom. My kids need me. And although I have not been at my best all the time, I'm doing the best I can, and God's grace is sufficient. I know my kids love me, they accept me for who I am, just as I am. I could learn a thing or two from them, to see myself the way they do.. hmmm...